…I will legally be the mom to my oldest son. We are all so excited! Austin is counting the hours (13h 40m by the way) until the hearing, though I think he may be a little more nervous than I am. It is just incredible to me that I am able to love him so much. My biggest worry when I agreed to raise Austin, is that I would get tired of babysitting someone else’s kid, but I have never once felt that way about him. Sure, there were times I wanted just to give up, but I have felt that same way about my own children once in a while.

Austin is such a amazing child though, he is so easy to love. Even though he is 10, he is still not too big to ask for a hug or give us a kiss each night before bed. I am not naive though, I know that will change soon, I am not under the impression that he is going to be an easy teen; one could hope though.

I know I have mentioned my favorite poem in here before, but I really think it is appropriate to repeat myself.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.

–Fleur Conkling Heyliger

I am so ready to get beyond this milestone and live life the way I have felt for over 7 years now. The adoption is great, I have wanted nothing more…. but like Austin and I were discussing, it will not change our relationship. I have always told him that he was my son, and he has always known he is just as loved as his brothers. We have never used labels, so he has never been a step-son or a half-brother. It will be so nice to have the legal rights I felt I earned long before. I often feel it is not the act of pregnancy and childbirth that makes you a mother, but every moment in between the time they are born until they are on their own (and beyond).

The biggest change I think that will come of this is a lack of fear. I no longer worry that if anything were to happen to Bobby, I would lose my husband and son. I no longer fear that if my marriage fails I will not have legal rights to see my son. I no longer worry that if something happens to me, Austin will not receive social security or life insurance benefits. I no longer will need to carry a special piece of paper around to do the simplest of things, like register my son for school or take him to the doctor.

A little side note: Tonight BM called my husband and my heart sank into my chest, I was freaked out that maybe she changed her mind or something. I seriously almost had a panic attack when she called. It was innocent, she broke her cell phone and wanted us to have her husband’s cell phone number in case the judge needs to talk to her tomorrow. But I was just so worried that we came so far for it to be taken away from us. I think I am ready for this, don’t you think?