It was 1 year ago today that I legally adopted my sweet little boy Austin. I cannot imagine a happier occasion than making my love for my oldest son official. I joke that at 7 years in the making, he was by far my longest labor, and the most relieving ‘birth-day’.

Austin’s birth-mom is almost $3,000 in arrears on child support. This is money she owed from before the adoption was finalized; today I spoke with my Child Support Caseworker and she said that bio-mom has court next week in which they will require her to explain why she has not made any attempts to pay it. I hope the courts can work out a fair agreement for the money to be re-paid so this can all be over with once and for all.

Take a look at my updated adoption time line, I finally got Austin’s birth certificates in the mail today after begging for an expedited processing last month. I need it to register Austin for school, send him to visit Grandma this summer, etc.

In order for them to rush it I had to overnight an overnight envelope and a letter with proof of why I needed it rushed. It was more costly, but having (almost) everything done was worth it!

We have been fighting to get Austin’s new birth certificate since December, it has been one hurdle after another and the estimated wait is 5 months. This was fine until a few snafu’s started to arise. When Austin got accepted into the charter school, they need his correct BC for enrollment… and then this summer, my parents wanted to take Austin and Christopher to Canada, and though passports are not required yet for automobile travel, a copy of birth certificate and a note from the parents is required. Since my name is not on the copy we have yet, we cannot both sign the note.

Anyways, I was able to get SOME answers today… after being on hold for an hour I learned that I could have a copy within a month IF I can show proof that their is an urgent need. I plan on getting in touch with the school after Spring Break to see if I can get someone to write a note stating they need his certificate for their records. I am also hoping that my mom will do the same. With that information, I should be able to move forward soon!

This morning started out like any normal day, 6 am, get up the kids, shower get dressed. But instead of a jeans and t-shirt, I put on a suit and makeup and fixed my hair, because today was our court date! At 8:30 we dropped off the baby at the sitter’s house and was at the attorney’s office by 8:50. At 9:20 we had an appointment with the attorney to go over the final details and then we walked over to the court house to be there 15 minutes early. We got called in by the court clerk and she locked the court room. The attorney then talked with the judge saying that BM has failed to contact and visit, has not supported him in 6 months. They then talked back and forth to make sure procedure was followed.

Finally the judge asked to talk to Austin, and made sure he was OK with the adoption and name change. He then asked him if he heard what my roles as a parent were (to make sure he has an education, a roof over his head, food and clothing) and told him that as my son he also has responsibilities that include obeying, listening and being respectful to me. The judge said he was satisfied that the termination was in Austin’s best interests and then seconds later said because Austin was free to be adopted that he was granting my motion to adopt and that was that! At 10:15 am MST I legally became the mother of my son who I have known in my heart was my own for 7 years now.

After a quick run to the county clerks office, and then back to the attorneys office, we were all done with the legal part of today. We had a nice brunch and the boys are now watching the new Superman movie with daddy. In about an hour we are going to head up north to Build a Bear to make Austin something to help him remember this day. We are then going to Red Lobster (his choice) for dinner.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support through this. I really appreciate all of you!!

…I will legally be the mom to my oldest son. We are all so excited! Austin is counting the hours (13h 40m by the way) until the hearing, though I think he may be a little more nervous than I am. It is just incredible to me that I am able to love him so much. My biggest worry when I agreed to raise Austin, is that I would get tired of babysitting someone else’s kid, but I have never once felt that way about him. Sure, there were times I wanted just to give up, but I have felt that same way about my own children once in a while.

Austin is such a amazing child though, he is so easy to love. Even though he is 10, he is still not too big to ask for a hug or give us a kiss each night before bed. I am not naive though, I know that will change soon, I am not under the impression that he is going to be an easy teen; one could hope though.

I know I have mentioned my favorite poem in here before, but I really think it is appropriate to repeat myself.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.

–Fleur Conkling Heyliger

I am so ready to get beyond this milestone and live life the way I have felt for over 7 years now. The adoption is great, I have wanted nothing more…. but like Austin and I were discussing, it will not change our relationship. I have always told him that he was my son, and he has always known he is just as loved as his brothers. We have never used labels, so he has never been a step-son or a half-brother. It will be so nice to have the legal rights I felt I earned long before. I often feel it is not the act of pregnancy and childbirth that makes you a mother, but every moment in between the time they are born until they are on their own (and beyond).

The biggest change I think that will come of this is a lack of fear. I no longer worry that if anything were to happen to Bobby, I would lose my husband and son. I no longer fear that if my marriage fails I will not have legal rights to see my son. I no longer worry that if something happens to me, Austin will not receive social security or life insurance benefits. I no longer will need to carry a special piece of paper around to do the simplest of things, like register my son for school or take him to the doctor.

A little side note: Tonight BM called my husband and my heart sank into my chest, I was freaked out that maybe she changed her mind or something. I seriously almost had a panic attack when she called. It was innocent, she broke her cell phone and wanted us to have her husband’s cell phone number in case the judge needs to talk to her tomorrow. But I was just so worried that we came so far for it to be taken away from us. I think I am ready for this, don’t you think?

As the adoption date draws closer, I find myself with some really important issues to face… some of them minor, like I wonder where I can get a nice court outfit for Austin, some of them a bit more major..

The main issue I am struggling with is who should attend the hearing. One one hand I feel that Austin, Christopher AND Matthew should be there, but on the other hand, I don’t want them causing a disruption on Austin’s special day. I also think they may ask Austin & a parent to step out of the court room when the judge calls BM to ask her about severing her rights, but I really want to be there for that. I almost wish I had an unnemployed childless friend, or stay at home mom with a babysitter so I could have someone come in with me to help me mind the children. However, with the adoption being in a closed courtroom I don’t know if they would allow non-family… but the closed courtroom also means I cannot just walk out and hand them off to someone without first asking for the door to be unlocked.

Maybe I am just stressing over little things because most of the big things are done, but I am really freaking out about the sibbling issue.

The recent post over at ClubMom made me realize that I have never really talked out on step-mothering… the main reason being that custody changes are never pretty, even in our case where the custody change was a mutual decision. I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

I don’t believe at love at first sight, which is odd considering that I knew I was going to marry my husband the moment I laid eyes on him… more so I think it was either a psychic connection, or lust at first sight. I mean how often do you look at someone and say “that man is the ugliest man I have ever laid eyes on, he repulses me, I will marry him, it is love at first sight”? In time, I did fall in love with my husband, truly, madly deeply.

I had heard mothering is the same way, love at first sight; but again I disagree. I knew from the moment Christopher was laid on my chest that I loved that boy with every fiber of my being. I knew this little boy was my everything and I would give my life for him. My love for him was not instant… when I heard the nurse on the other end of the line telling me I was pregnant, at 17, I panicked. Over the next few months I weighed my options, I considered not keeping him. Over the course of 9 months I feel in love with my baby… a love deeper than I had ever experienced. I love so pure that I can truly call it unconditional love.

When I met Austin for the first time, in September of 1998, he was an unruly, undisciplined child… he was screaming out for order, or boundaries, for attention. I loved him, because he was innocent. I loved him because he was a part of my husband. I loved him because he needed to be loved. However, I was not in love with him like I was with my husband and my bio-son. At times I resented him, because he had stripped my own child of his title as my husband’s first child. Without going into the ugly messy details of the custody change, I will say, I was given 9 months to prepare. I had nine months to accept this little innocent child into my home and my heart.

The best piece of advice I got was from my father, who is also a stepfather to my two older sisters. He said to me one day “do not call him your step-son, call him your son. If you wish to accept him completely, strike the word ’step’ from your vocabulary and from your heart“. My dad is not a perfect man, nor is he a perfect father; but he is a wise man, and I feel he was the best father he knew how to be. If that is not as close as perfection as you can get, I don’t know what is.

Step-parenting is like a cross country road trip. There are many winds in the road, and many ups and downs, but the sights along the way will be breathtaking. No matter how stressed you may feel along the way, and no matter how often you may want to turn back, know that when you get to your destination the reward you feel will make it all worth it.

The first year was the most difficult. Austin missed his mom so bad and could not understand why she was not there for him. He could not understand that his mom could not just move in with us and we could all live together happily ever after. He had also never had discipline, so that in itself was a major challenge. He was 3 1/2 when he came to live with us permanently and had not once in his life been told no. He had never been told ‘no’ at all, never had any direction, never been taught how to interact with other children. He had no manners, no compassion, and no direction. He did not view himself as a child, but as an equal, so he was bossy, frequently demanding that we do as he says.

Slowly with gentle guidance we were able to teach him so much, manners, compassion, right and wrong. Slowly he changed into a super sweet compassionate child. He is so caring, so loving; he cares so much for others. The first time he called me mommy, I felt so incredible. I broke down crying because I knew it was a conscious choice. When a baby says ‘mama’ for the first time, it is exhilarating and special; but they are mimicking what they are told to call you. When Austin called me mommy, instead of Heather, he did so not because he was told to, but because he wanted to.

Austin’s biological mother was never really involved; she called him infrequently and visited him even less. He was four the last time he has seen her in person. He was an angry child, he was so resentful… to his mom for abandoning him, for his father for being gone frequently (he was in the Army), and to me for replacing them. Every year, it got so much easier to love him completely, like my own. With time the layer of ice that surrounded him started to melt and his personality started to shine through.

If you met Austin today, you would never know he had ever lived a hard day in his life. He is such an amazing child. He loves with 100% of his heart. He lives his life to the fullest, thankful for every morning he wakes up. He sees the good in everything, and everyone. He is an eternal optimist and is always saying “at least”… he can always see the brighter side to any situation.

It may not have been love at first sight… but I love Austin with every fiber of my being. I would give my life for him. I love him unconditionally and my love for him is no less than my love for Christopher, and now Matthew.

So remember, step-parenting may have its ups and downs, it may have bends in the road and disappointments along the way but enjoy the trip, it is truly a beautiful journey and when you get to the end, you will never look back and regret a moment of it. Be the best parent as you know how to be to ALL of your children, you will be glad you did.

After a spastic trip down a couple of steps and a few other misgivings today I was not in the greatest of moods. Austin was out getting the mail that he forgot to get yesterday so he missed the lovely display of grace. The only thing in the mail was a single letter, from the attorney!! We have a court date for Austin’s adoption! November 30th, 2006 at 10:00am. When I told Austin, he went to the calendar and counted the days, can you believe it? How touching! What a touching sentiment of validation that I am doing the right thing.