Let me start this by admitting that Sophie is a princess… of all my babies, she is by far my most demanding. Most days, I won’t even admit that to myself as it does not change how much I adore her, nor would I want to change anything about her. This little diva seems to have needs that are above Maslow’s Hierarchy and even when she is fed, dry, held, rocked, etc.; she still seems to have some unfulfilled needs we just cannot meet. Bobby and I have both accepted that and just do our best to comfort her, because we know this too shall pass.

Today I was slacking in the patience department. Sophie wanted to nap on my lap, I wanted to get something to eat since it was 1pm and I had not yet been able to get a thing to eat or drink… I was starting to feel shaky and irritated… I set Sophie down on her sheep skin hoping she would stay asleep, with no avail, so I just ate as quickly as possible while rocking the chair she was in. At the same time, Matthew is yelling at me because he was on meal #3 and wanted more… I kept telling him to come here so I could hear him, and he just kept hollering from across the room. I could almost feel my blood pressure rising. In a weak moment I yelled out “everybody STOP!!” No surprise that my tantrum only made things worse and I felt like I was going to collapse under all the weight on my shoulders.

I looked up and I said “Lord help me, I need a break!” and the most incredible thing happened… I smelled roses. No, I did not stop and smell the roses… I literally smelled the fragrance of roses, a smell I would recognize even 20 years later… it was the fragrance of my grandma Josie. My house that moments before smelled like pre-teen boys, cats, dogs, diapers, and lunch, now just smelled like roses. I picked up Sophie and it almost seemed to be coming out of her pores. She stopped crying and smiled and in my head I could almost hear my grandma saying “Dinky-Dinky Doo-Doo”, a little game she played with all of us when we were babies. The smell of roses was still all around me and I felt her love all around me. I no longer felt like I was alone to carry the burden and that she was here to help. You cannot imagine how strong it made me feel to know that any time I was in need, I can know I am truly never alone.

I write this while holding a baby and a preschooler on my lap, with tears welling up in my eyes. I would not have believed it if I did not experience it myself, but I now believe that even after we lose a loved one, they are never truly gone and just when things seem to be at their lowest, you can call out for help and they will be there to pick you up when you are in need.

I knew I wanted this birth to be different. I wanted to fulfill my longtime dream of a home birth, but financially a hospital birth was more reasonable. However, after being dissatisfied with my first two midwives, and then having little issues come up with my third midwife, who then told me she was not delivering after April, I decided it was time to listen to my heart and follow my desires. A chance conversation on MDC (Mothering Dot Commune) with a local woman inspired me to start searching again for homebirth midwives for the third time, this time I spoke to Jan Eklund, whom I could tell had a great passion for midwifery and was willing to work with us financially.

Once I was at ease with my decision I informed my family, who were very uncomfortable with my decision, however they were able to put their own feelings aside to support me. My mom even decided to fly in during my 40th week of pregnancy in hopes of being here for the birth.

My due date, May 30th, came and went without more than Braxton Hicks. The 31st my mom flew in from Washington. On the 1st, my husband, kids and I packed a large picnic and ate it at a local park. That night at 7 pm I started having contractions 8 minutes apart lasting 3 minutes long and needing to be concentrated through. They continued all through the night slowing around 2 am and stopping at 4 am.

I was frustrated and Bobby and I were both exhausted from lack of sleep, so he took the day off from work to stay home with me (June 2nd). Austin and Christopher were acting wild and we were all tired, so I sent them outside to play on their scooter and bike so they would burn off some energy while Bobby and I tried to recover ours. Shortly after leaving, Christopher came in crying, he had fallen off his scooter and we decided it probably needed x-rayed so my mom and I took him to urgent care to get it looked at, sure enough it was broken and he needed to see the orthopedic specialist the next day to see if it needed a cast.

Tuesday morning, I woke up at 7 am no longer able to ignore the contractions that had been waking me in the night. Before he left for work, Bobby told me I had been groaning all night and he would reach over and feel my stomach and it would be hard. I called my midwife Jan and my doula Candace to let them know I may be in pre-labor. The contractions were stronger than the ones on Sunday, but irregular. I took a nap after lunch and they really started to intensify, to the point where I sent my mom and son off to the Ortho with my insurance card and a note because I did not think I would do well at the appointment.

Around 8 pm, on the 3rd, Jan called me to ask how I was doing because she was getting ready for bed and wanted to know if she should expect a call in the night or not, and after talking we decided she would come over just to check on me since I had canceled our appointment earlier that day. When she checked my progress, she said I was 4-5 cm dilated and 95% effaced and wanted to camp out because she felt this was the real deal.

I went ahead and called Candace and she called Kim, who was going to be my second doula, and they arrived around 10 pm. Once everyone got here, my contractions responded and started getting much stronger; however, they were in my back and required a lot of rubbing and counter pressure. Candace and Kim helped me find different positions to labor in and helped me with stair walking activities to make sure my baby was in a good position.

They also rubbed my back with the contractions and my feet and shoulders between them. Around midnight, the pressure was getting more intense so I asked if I could get in the tub, so Jan checked me again and told me I had not made a lot of progress, but she could probably stretch me to 7cm and I was ok to try laboring in the tub.

Once she stretched me, the contractions started coming a lot faster so the water of the birthing tub was heavenly. My contractions slowed and I was able to rest between them, but when they came on they were extremely intense and in my back. I was trying very hard to remain calm, but inside I was starting to feel panicky. Halfway into each of the rushes, I started grunting and pushing a little, but I still was not feeling the urge to push, I just wanted to vocalize and express the sensations I was feeling.

I remember hearing one of my doulas ask Jan if I was complete, she was in the tub with me, and I heard her say “don’t worry; she will push when she is ready”. Hearing these words gave me hope that I may be near the end. The back labor was like nothing I have ever felt before, I did not have the urge to push, yet my body was pushing the baby down and my support team was telling me to push through the sensations and it would feel better. I was feeling frustrated that I was doing all this work and nothing was happening, and the power I was feeling was very intense. I was roaring like a lion with each surge and clinging to my mom and husband for support. Soon I felt the most amazing thing ever as I could feel her coming down into the birth canal, it felt like I had a bowling ball inside of me and I was feeling so powerful, I pushed again and I heard the midwife exclaim the head was out. The rest of her just seemed to slide out and my baby was here! At 1:43 am on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008 my baby girl Sophia Elanna came into this world with open eyes and a very calm demeanor. She also was born with a nuchal hand (hand born next to her head) and I had a tiny “skid mark” which is a tiny abrasion, but not a single tear. I did not need any sort of repair.

The flood of emotions I was feeling was so intense, from trying to process the physical sensations I had felt, to having my baby there in my arms, to just feeling disbelief that I did it. I felt so powerful and even was able to climb out of the tub and onto my bed with little assistance while still holding my baby who had a very short cord. Not long after getting in bed, I delivered the placenta. This was amazing to me since I did not remember that part of my other deliveries, as they wasted no time in my hospital births and pulled it out almost immediately.

Everyone worked on cleaning up while I got a chance to bond and cuddle with my baby girl. She was so calm and wide eyed, and alert. She just took everything in, lifting her head to look around. Jan then did the newborn exam, her APGAR was 9, and she was 6 lbs 10 oz and 18 7/8th inches long.

When the cord stopped pulsating, and was ready to cut, my midwife asked Bobby if he wanted to do it and he declined, so I was about to cut it, but asked my mom to do it, since she was such a key element to my positive birth experience and I felt if anyone deserved the honor, it was her.

Around 3:30 am I took my shower, it was so wonderful, and by a little after 4 am, I was able to go to bed, however I do not think I slept at all until around 7 am when Bobby took her downstairs for a little while to get some cuddle time. Sophie is such a sweet, calm little baby; she is a cuddle bug and nursing like a champion. She does not really have a fussy time, but she does have times where she is active.

This birth, by far, was my most rewarding. Even though I had epidurals to take care of the physical pain in Christopher and Matthew’s hospital births, that could not take away the mental pain of regrets and dissatisfaction with all the interventions. Being in my own home, in my own comfort zone, with an amazing birth & support team, and the amazing techniques I learned from my Hypnobabies home study courses made the entire experience breathtakingly beautiful. I felt so calm, Zen-like during my birthing time, and I was able to handle each contraction as it came, and let it go when it left, and not think about the next one until it was upon me. My head space stayed clean and I never once felt like I could not handle it anymore and needed drugs. I cannot get over the feeling of accomplishment and pride I feel. I did it!

Special thanks to my doulas Candace (above) and Kim (below) who reminded me of my strength through the entire labor and birth, and who’s tireless hands comforted me through each contraction helping me keep my calm. And of course to my calm and collect midwife, Jan, who brought so much wisdom and experience to my birth, and for making it possible for me to fulfill my dream of a homebirth.

And I just had to include this picture, because it shows how tired my poor family is the morning of the birth.

And of course, thank you to my beautiful mother, who flew in to support me during my birth, even though she was uncomfortable with homebirth. She never once wavered in her unconditional love and support. She never once showed fear, even though she told me later she was scared when Sophie was taking a while to clear the mucous from her throat and we let her work it out without suction.

*Disclaimer* This is going to a mushy mom-brag post because I am so dang proud of my child. Read on only if you you don’t have diabetes, this is likely to be sugar-filled.

Yesterday afternoon around 3:30 I got a phone call from Austin’s school saying he would be getting an award at an assembly the next day at 1 and said they would love for me to attend. I asked Bobby to take a long lunch so he could come with me, but he opted to work a half day instead. So we get to the gym today at 1 and the very first name called is Austin, for an award for best in his class for fine arts. Nifty. They then proceed to call out names of other students broken down in 4 categories for each subject…. “Outstanding Student Award - Boys”, “Outstanding Student Award - Girls”, “Most improved - Boys”, and finally “Most improved - Girls”. They did all the subjects for 6th grade, and then 7th grade.

At the end of the ceremony, the Dean of Students said he had a surprise for the students. He went on to say that he got some extra grant money and decided that he wanted to award one student from each grade for overall excellence. Someone who maintained great grades, attitude, attendance, and went above and beyond as a citizen of the school.

He then went on to say that the first student awarded has demonstrated excellence in many ways, not only by being a friend to all in his grade, but by being cheerful and courteous at all times. He is the student who at the dances stands in the middle of the gym and rocks out the his air guitar all by himself without a care in the world. The student who demonstrates honesty by returning the snacks to the Dean when the machine accidentally gives him two because he “only paid for one”, the student who is always asking if there is something he can do to help his teachers, his peers, and the Dean.

Bobby and I looked at each other because that kid sounded a LOT like our goofy, care-free, honest little guy, but at the same time there are a LOT of great 6th graders at his school. The Dean went on to say that he could not imagine a more deserving student than Austin to receive the award!

You should have seen my little guy, he was SO proud of himself and his classmates were all so excited! His teacher and I were bawling our eyes out and Bobby stood up to grant his permission for Austin to receive the iPod (since the school will not give a student big ticket items without the parents permission). Since it was so close to the end of the day, the teacher told us to go ahead and take him home with us, and on the way to the car Austin says “You know, my iPod I just bought with my birthday money has a 30 day return policy!” LOL So we went home to get the reciept and took him Best Buy to exchange his iPod for something else. He picked up Guitar Hero III (a game where you play songs on the XBox on a life-sized wireless guitar), he then also got two games for the Wii, Super Smash Brother’s Brawl, and Sonic vs. Mario Olympics, as well as an iTunes gift card.

Right now the three little boys are playing the Smash Brother’s game, even though Matthew has NO clue what he is doing, his brothers keep praising him for doing well.

In other news, Austin and I went back to the Humane Society, and still no Sabin. On the way home we picked up some neon paper to print out some missing signs to hang around the neighborhood. Hope fully we find him soon.

….every child expresses his or her creativity by modifying their personal appearance. Depending on the child, depends on the medium they use. Some use markers, some use makeup, and some use scissors.

Or, like my children, they use all of the above at one time or another. Last night, Matthew used them all, except when I was scraping aftershave out of my heating vents and scrubbing lipstick off his cheek I did not notice his new hairstyle.

This morning it became a little more apparent

So after Austin’s trip to Best Buy to spend his money he has been saving since Christmas, I dropped off Bobby and the kids and took Matthew to get his hair cut for the second time this week. The after looks almost as bad as the first because there is only so much you can do to fix someone else’s mistake.

As soon as he was finished with his haircut he ran behind the counter and said “I need a lollypop” and he had it in his mouth before I could even say no. Ugh.

Austin and Christopher got grades this week, not only were we impressed with the actual grades, but more impressive was the improvement between 1st semester and 2nd semester.

Austin made the Dean’s List!! YAY AUSTIN!!!

He had 6 A’s and 3 B’s, up from 3 A’s, 2 B’s and 2 C’s.

Not sure if Christopher made honor roll yet, but he had 7 A’s, 1 B and 1 C, up from 5 A’s, 2 B’s, 2 C’s and a D.

Looks like we get to take BOTH kids out for a celebration this time, I am so proud of them! I am not sure I can pass the pride they are feeling for themselves though, good job boys!!

Thanks to the “wonder drug” making me so sick, I have yet to have a full night’s sleep. The first night I was puking, the second night I kept waking from crazy dreams (the kind you get when you are sick), and last night I was in so much pain that not even the hot bath could relax me enough to get more than a couple hours of sleep. Everything from my waist up (to include wrists and thumbs) hurt so bad that breathing is almost unbearable. Even sleeping upright did not help.

My only solace is that DH is taking our oldest to school, so I don’t have to get out of my pajamas. I need whatever comfort I can get so not dragging out the two year old, scraping frost off my windshield to drive him to school is the best thing I could have asked for.

Don’t get me started on the middle son though…. the boy is on my last nerve. I have been wondering how it takes my oldest two boys to get ready to school when the oldest has 1 1/2 - 2 hours to get ready for school, and the middle child has 2 hours to get ready. Yes, they have chores in the morning (make sure the dishwasher is loaded, should have been done after dinner so that is a cinch, get the clothes out of the dryer and start a new load in the wash, pick up your messes, and get yourself showered, dressed, eat breakfast, brush your hair & teeth). NOTHING that should take more than an hour. Apparently my middle son thinks it should take 45 minutes to be dressed up to his underwear. When I finally gave up trying to sleep, and got up because I was sick of hearing him yell through the house, I got up to find he had showered for 15 minutes (no biggie) and then done nothing but stand around in nothing more than his underwear for the next 30 minutes. I am not sure how I can get that boy motivated without breathing down his neck for 2 hours each morning, which just is not feasible with my lack of sleep lately.

On a better and brighter note, I am 12 weeks today! The baby is starting to look more human, and I am *supposed* to start feeling more human soon, but I will just watch and wait to see if my morning sickness gets the hint that it is time to hit the road. I am going to go out on a limb here and say either I am carrying a girl (since I have 2x as much morning sickness than I did my other two pregnancies combined) OR this is another baby boy trying to guarantee he is last baby we have (which was always the plan anyways). Either way, I will be happy, as I truly just want a healthy baby. Don’t tell Matthew this, as he insists this is his “baby sister”, he gets angry anytime I even suggest it could be a baby brother.

Please someone tell my 2 year old that mama REALLY needs him to take a nap today, so she can try to nap herself. This nap strike he is on is about to drive me batty!

While in the grocery store on Saturday, we ran into Austin’s little friend in 5th grade, whom I did not particularly care for (he was in trouble a lot at school). The mom asked what school Austin was going to and I replied [Name Withheld] Charter School, and she said “Oh, my son goes to [Name Withheld] Middle School. I figure, sure it has a lot of fights and drug problems, but what school doesn’t?”

My jaw dropped. As a parent, is that really the selling point you want to describe your 6th graders education?? I cannot begin to say enough about Austin’s school, how wonderful the teachers, administrators and support staff are.

Here is the rating that Great Schools gave the Middle School her son was in. This is the default school in the district for my neighborhood.

This is the school Austin goes to, the ONLY thing we did different is to enroll him at the end of 5th grade for the 6th grade year.

Here are the standardized test scores for the Middle School.

Here are the test scores for Austin’s Charter School. They are a new school, so they only recently have started standardized testing.

Obviously there is more of a problem than just the occasional fight the mom mentioned. I don’t understand defending a school with such a poor rating, low test scores, and obviously a hostile environment. The Charter School does not have the bullying problem other schools have because the children are ALWAYS supervised. The curriculum is more strict, and children spend less time in the halls getting from class to class than they do at the Middle School.

Which one would you chose? The middle school with drug, violence and education problems? Or the charter school with strict rules, higher standards and excellent test scores? Both are free. Can you believe these schools are only 0.3 miles apart?

I was craving seafood again, so we all went out to Red Lobster tonight. I guess I did not notice, but all the other tables seemed focused on my kids, especially our toddler who was abnormally well behaved at dinner. When we went to leave not only did the server gush how good our three boys are, but two other tables had to stop us on the way out to tell us how good our little boy. One of the women said “well, your girls were really good too” and I had to correct them and tell them all three children are boys, and that my older two sons just have long hair. Christopher, my middle son, pipes up and says “I am a boy, I am just growing out my hair so I can give it to kids who have none.” LOL

On the drive home, I told Bobby we do have exceptionally good children, and it will be #4 who is the holy terror. He looked at me and laughed and then said to me “do you think we have good children because we got lucky? Honey, we have good kids because we are both consistent, creative, and expect our children to behave in public. We are the reason why we have such good boys, and it will be no different when the next one comes along.”

I think we just have really good kids, and I am not willing to take all the credit, because I think the kids deserve credit too.

The other day I was grocery shopping and I overheard a middle age woman comment to a young mother with a large family “you know what causes that, right?” I should have said something, I felt bad for the mom who seemed taken aback by the comment. I did not understand why the older woman felt like sticking her nose into the mother’s business.

All 5 of the young children were healthy, clean, well mannered and the mom, though still being frugal about it, made her purchases with cash, not WIC or a state issued food assistance card. I don’t think the mom had these children because she was too stupid for birth control, they seemed naturally spaced, the youngest child contently nursed from his mother’s breast while being worn in the sling… Oh my, nursing in PUBLIC?? What would the older woman say if she noticed that??

This got me thinking to inappropriate comments I have received, specifically referring to my three sons. I can’t tell you how many times I am asked if I plan on trying for a girl… when did boys become the consultation prize? Did G-d put a child into my womb and say “Sorry, you did not win the prize this time, but take what is behind door number two so you won’t be sent home empty handed”. My usual response is that if we decide to have another it will be to have another baby, not play Russian roulette and only want one specific gender. The most offensive was when I was pregnant, the cashier asked if I knew the gender of the baby (as she is scanning 100% blue clothes, blankets, etc) and when she heard it was another boy she looked at my other two sons and said “Are you guys sad you are having a brother? I mean sisters are so much better, wouldn’t you rather have a sister?” Yeah, because *I* was the one who chose their genders, but come on! My oldest son was hoping for a brother, but my middle son was licking his wounds from being wrong on his guess and at the time was hoping for a sister. Anyways, I digress.

When did society think that the store was an appropriate place to lecture someone about reproduction? Obviously the young mom had read page one of a parenting book if she knew her kids needed to eat. I know people who are not that sophisticated. Also, it is not like this mom was at the drive through window with grubby kids screaming for a soda pop and fried chicken nuggets. If the store was the place to lecture parents on birth control, wouldn’t you think Planned Parenthood would have rented a pagoda at the front of the store? Maybe the wife could look over to her husband and say “honey, can you go pick up paper towels, and while you are on isle 7 get that vasectomy we have been wanting?”

To the woman at the grocery store.. please save your breath, find another medium for your cause. Volunteer at the woman’s shelter, help families in crisis, send an article into the newspaper about the importance of reducing your carbon footprint, or help raise money for a family who has an ailing family member and needs money to pay for cancer treatment. I don’t believe you said what you did out of malice, but it was in bad taste and only served to annoy the mother and other patrons in the store. Cut the mother some slack, her 5 kids were so much better than a lot of families I see with only one child. If you want to see some bad kids, go shop at Walmart, you will be running for the pharmacy section and popping headache medicine faster than you can say “wear a condom”.

To everyone else, think twice before you make “harmless” comments to mothers, our hearts are fragile from countless sleepless nights, an infinite number of kissed boo-boos and “I love you’s”. We have to deal with our children’s tears of disappointment when they don’t get what they want, lose their best friend, break up with their first crush, and get teased by the neighborhood bully.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Dreaming with a Broken Heart
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Ahhhh, life with a toddler, what a joyous experience that is! I think having a toddler is an experience must all go through to prevent us from judging animals who eat their young.

So it’s smack time in the Mistakes household, and Matthew is happily munching on some Bunny Grahams, raisins, and a big glass of water like a big boy at the table. I decide since it’s 10 am and I am hungry to grab a snack for myself too. I just don’t understand how I could already be hungry, I did eat breakfast, but then I remembered that a grapefruit alone does not go very far when your two year old is sitting on your lap saying “BITE! MORE MOMMY!” before you can even get the food to your mouth.. anyways I digress.

So I grab myself a Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bar and the little stops eating his snack and says “MY manamana mommy!” which apparently means “granola bar” to a 2 yr old. So I give him half wondering WHY I am not 98 lbs by now living with the food gremlin. So the rest of snack time goes like normal; Matthew climbs on the table and starts dancing, in the process knocks over the water, spills the bunny grahams, hears the garbage truck and abandons the raisins. Starts yelling at the dog who is in the other room, but he feels is encroaching on his food and then ends up playing on the stairs. I remind him he needs to eat his snack and he glares angrily at me and then uses his highchair as a barricade while using his food as cars.

The one-half granola bar did little to satisfy my hunger, but it’s not worth it to go find something else, if I hear “mine mommy” one more time my head is likely to explode.

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Now playing: Disturbed - Voices
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