October 20th, 2006
On Step-Parenting
The recent post over at ClubMom made me realize that I have never really talked out on step-mothering… the main reason being that custody changes are never pretty, even in our case where the custody change was a mutual decision. I guess the best place to start is the beginning.
I don’t believe at love at first sight, which is odd considering that I knew I was going to marry my husband the moment I laid eyes on him… more so I think it was either a psychic connection, or lust at first sight. I mean how often do you look at someone and say “that man is the ugliest man I have ever laid eyes on, he repulses me, I will marry him, it is love at first sight”? In time, I did fall in love with my husband, truly, madly deeply.
I had heard mothering is the same way, love at first sight; but again I disagree. I knew from the moment Christopher was laid on my chest that I loved that boy with every fiber of my being. I knew this little boy was my everything and I would give my life for him. My love for him was not instant… when I heard the nurse on the other end of the line telling me I was pregnant, at 17, I panicked. Over the next few months I weighed my options, I considered not keeping him. Over the course of 9 months I feel in love with my baby… a love deeper than I had ever experienced. I love so pure that I can truly call it unconditional love.
When I met Austin for the first time, in September of 1998, he was an unruly, undisciplined child… he was screaming out for order, or boundaries, for attention. I loved him, because he was innocent. I loved him because he was a part of my husband. I loved him because he needed to be loved. However, I was not in love with him like I was with my husband and my bio-son. At times I resented him, because he had stripped my own child of his title as my husband’s first child. Without going into the ugly messy details of the custody change, I will say, I was given 9 months to prepare. I had nine months to accept this little innocent child into my home and my heart.
The best piece of advice I got was from my father, who is also a stepfather to my two older sisters. He said to me one day “do not call him your step-son, call him your son. If you wish to accept him completely, strike the word ‘step’ from your vocabulary and from your heart“. My dad is not a perfect man, nor is he a perfect father; but he is a wise man, and I feel he was the best father he knew how to be. If that is not as close as perfection as you can get, I don’t know what is.
Step-parenting is like a cross country road trip. There are many winds in the road, and many ups and downs, but the sights along the way will be breathtaking. No matter how stressed you may feel along the way, and no matter how often you may want to turn back, know that when you get to your destination the reward you feel will make it all worth it.
The first year was the most difficult. Austin missed his mom so bad and could not understand why she was not there for him. He could not understand that his mom could not just move in with us and we could all live together happily ever after. He had also never had discipline, so that in itself was a major challenge. He was 3 1/2 when he came to live with us permanently and had not once in his life been told no. He had never been told ‘no’ at all, never had any direction, never been taught how to interact with other children. He had no manners, no compassion, and no direction. He did not view himself as a child, but as an equal, so he was bossy, frequently demanding that we do as he says.
Slowly with gentle guidance we were able to teach him so much, manners, compassion, right and wrong. Slowly he changed into a super sweet compassionate child. He is so caring, so loving; he cares so much for others. The first time he called me mommy, I felt so incredible. I broke down crying because I knew it was a conscious choice. When a baby says ‘mama’ for the first time, it is exhilarating and special; but they are mimicking what they are told to call you. When Austin called me mommy, instead of Heather, he did so not because he was told to, but because he wanted to.
Austin’s biological mother was never really involved; she called him infrequently and visited him even less. He was four the last time he has seen her in person. He was an angry child, he was so resentful… to his mom for abandoning him, for his father for being gone frequently (he was in the Army), and to me for replacing them. Every year, it got so much easier to love him completely, like my own. With time the layer of ice that surrounded him started to melt and his personality started to shine through.
If you met Austin today, you would never know he had ever lived a hard day in his life. He is such an amazing child. He loves with 100% of his heart. He lives his life to the fullest, thankful for every morning he wakes up. He sees the good in everything, and everyone. He is an eternal optimist and is always saying “at least”… he can always see the brighter side to any situation.
It may not have been love at first sight… but I love Austin with every fiber of my being. I would give my life for him. I love him unconditionally and my love for him is no less than my love for Christopher, and now Matthew.
So remember, step-parenting may have its ups and downs, it may have bends in the road and disappointments along the way but enjoy the trip, it is truly a beautiful journey and when you get to the end, you will never look back and regret a moment of it. Be the best parent as you know how to be to ALL of your children, you will be glad you did.
