Mistakes in Motherhood

It has been nearly a week since I left my house. Saturday the older kids and I took down the Christmas tree while the little three napped. Let me tell you, pine water does NOT clean like pine-sol. We tossed the tree over the back deck and the plan was to take it to the dump the next day. I ended up not going because I had someone coming to buy some furniture from Craig’s List. When Liam woke up from his nap, the moment he saw the tree was gone, he burst into tears, poor little sweetie was so sad his tree was gone. That night we got some snow, not a lot, but enough that I didn’t want to leave the house, as I need new tires.

By Monday it was a huge mess, we kept getting more and more snow. They canceled school on Tuesday, and the kids were so happy to have a four day weekend. Wednesday we got a huge storm and had over a foot of snow. For this area, that is a lot. I had the boys shovel the walk, in case it iced over, and it did. Thursday morning I heard my sleep number bed clicking, which told me we had lost power. And indeed we did. I knew we were running low on staples, and the only gas in my home is a gas fireplace that we did not have the gas key too, and that has never worked. We had enough cereal for that day, and we had stuff for sandwiches, but none of my meat was thawed, so I BBQed some potatoes in foil and we topped them with cheese, sour cream, and bacon chunks. The sun had set, so we were enjoying dinner by candle light, with plans of all the kids and I sleeping close in proximity, when the lights came on.

Now, we were excited, but not convinced they would STAY on, because they had been flickering on and off all day. One time Austin said “I hope we have lights by bedtime” and I said “I hope we have lights right. now.” raising my hands to my ceiling… and just then the lights turned on! But were off almost immediately. As soon as it was clear the lights were on to stay, we sprang into action. One kid heated up leftover meatloaf and green beans to go with our dinner. Another kid plugged in all portable electronics, cell phones and the space heater. I turned up the furnace and made sure the pilot was on. We did not have high hopes it would last. 200,000 people in this area were without power, and could be for up to a week, so I did not think we would be one of the lucky ones to get lights within 12 hours. The new housing development behind us was not as lucky. A full 24 hours later, their windows are still dark.

In the night we lost most of our tree branches on our shade tree in the front yard, all barely missing my car. My neighbor was also fortunate that her large tree, that lost its largest branches, also missed her cars. Our enormous tree in the back yard was leaning, and it was clear it would probably come down. There were concerns it would take the fence with it, but my neighbor and I watched as it tipped, and then broke off, landing a few inches from the fences. Until the ice melts and we can move the branches, I will be stuck in my driveway. The kids have had a full week without school. Power flickered off again this afternoon, and I let out a string of profanity, but thankfully it came on before I could add a 6th word to my diatribe.

I also got a nice long nap this afternoon which was MUCH needed as I have been sick since earlier this week with a cold that has now settled deeply into my lungs. Christopher and Matthew have also been sick. Between the three of us, I think I have lost half a bottle of Tylenol, and most of a box of Kleenex.

No Comments | In: This is how I roll | tags: Domestic Diva, Family, Health, House Stuff, Insanity, Lame-o. | #

Yesterday, Liam had his second follow-up appointment. When the nurse called us back, she directed us to go into the second room on the right, Sophie enthusiastically took off running, as she’s used to us being seen at the end of the hall, not in the first exam room. Right then, one of the newer pediatricians stepped out into the hallway and saw my little blonde pixie running at him full speed. As a joke he crouched down and spread his arms open. Insert slow motion running and sappy music. I fully expected her to turn around, so the nurse and I just paused to watch how she would react.

To all of our surprise, she kept running and then flung herself into his arms, holding onto him tightly. He picked her up and hugged her and started walking towards us with Sophie still in his arms. He told me he was pretty surprised how social she is, he expected her to be somewhat shy. I explained that she was really missing her daddy right now, so she’s a bit more affable right now. I think this statement made the doctor a little heartbroken, he has three little girls himself and could not imagine having to be away from them. To all the daddies (and mommies) out there, missing their sons and daughters, you have my complete sympathy. Especially to our troops, who not only risk their safety for our freedom, but miss out on time with their loved ones.

Oh, and Liam got a clean bill of health. She told me to take him off the albuterol, but to finish the antibiotics. His lungs sound fantastic, and she didn’t think a follow up with neurology or pulmonology is necessary. She did say he is at a slighter risk of developing asthma when he’s older, but given his family history, that comes to no surprise. We will just watch and wait and when another round of illness comes rolling through, you can guarantee I will be watching him like a hawk.

1 Comment | In: People, Places & Things | tags: Bobby, Health, Liam, Sadness, Sophia, Updates. | #

Tonight I broke down on the telephone with my husband. Liam squeaked though the baby monitor and I placed him on hold so I could put the monitor up to my ear and listen. I teased him for calling me a paranoid mom when he was driving us home from the hospital and at a red light I unbuckled and climbed over the seat to make sure my tiny little boy was not swallowed up by his giant car seat and that he was doing okay since he suddenly stopped crying. I remember him jokingly telling me I was acting like he was my first and not my fifth, and I remember explaining that I knew it wasn’t rational, but this perfect little soul *scared* me.

I think as parents we all have irrational fears about our children. With my first baby I remember him sleeping past his normal 3am feeding time and waking up at 4am with engorged breasts and sobbing that my baby must have passed in his sleep. Rationally I knew he would eventually sleep through the night, irrationally I just knew SIDS must have claimed him. My husband was in boot camp and when he called the Sunday after that instant I burst into tears when I told him our boy was sleeping through the night. He also probably got an emotional letter in the mail as well.

Then my oldest son came into our life and I was always scared his birth mom was going to come steal him away. I knew her better than that, and I trusted her, but I was always so scared that I would pick him up from school and they would explain to me that he had already been picked up by the non-custodial parent.

Then my third baby came along, and I found something else to be irrational about. I wish I could remember, but he made it out of infancy unscathed. Our fourth baby, our first and only girl was born, and she scared me so bad that I would not allow my husband to get a vasectomy until she made it safely to her second birthday, ergo the reason we got our fifth and final child.

Today I was researching pediatric pulmonologists, allergists, and pediatric neurologists. EEGs, seizures, and breath holding spells (BHS). Logically, I know this was likely an isolated incident. Irrationally I have myself convinced I need to have him looked over by a room full od specialists. I think of unnecessary poking and prodding, tests, and procedures and I just cannot make myself put my little boy through this for something that happened one time.

When I heard my husband’s voice tonight, I realized I was still wearing my brave mask. I was falling apart and not allowing anyone to see it. I have not taken time to allow myself to process the fear; to deal with the feelings, and to let myself admit how scared I was. I can still close my eyes and see the events of Friday night so clearly in my mind. The moment where I realized something was wrong. I wonder if I was as calm when I called the emergency dispatcher as I remember myself sounding. When I remember back to that night, I am on the outside, looking in. I cannot remember a single moment where I was ever that scared before.

I remember moments when my husband was in Iraq, and I heard about a casualty from his unit on the news. The fear I felt when he explained to me a building he was next to exploded and shrapnel was hitting his vehicle and it sounded like hail. I remember when helicopters I thought he was on went down, and then I did not hear from him for 20 days. I still cry at movies where they talk about the war, military casualties, or when bagpipes play “Taps”. But if I have to put this in perspective, the fear I felt that night is 100x worse. I didn’t let myself feel it though. Now that he is over the hurdle, and all he has is a lingering cough as he continues to work the crud out of my lungs, I find myself going back to that moment, and I find myself wanting to fall apart.

So tonight when Bobby called and asked how the kids were and then asked how I was, I started crying. I am a mess. And I feel SO guilty for feeling this way while so many people have dealt with so much worse. My heart goes out to all the parents who have had to face the loss of a child, or a spouse. For those who have children with chronic illnesses or disabilities. For anyone who has had to hear that they, or a loved one has a terminal illness. So tonight, when I allow myself to cry, and to allow myself to process the events of this last week, I will be thinking of everyone else who has also had to put on a brave face while they were falling apart inside.

No Comments | In: A lot about nothing, This is how I roll | tags: Confessions, Family, Health, Lame-o, Liam, Parenting, Ramblings, Sadness. | #

We got home yesterday afternoon, it was so nice to be home, and I am so thankful to friends for watching my other children overnight and during the day, bringing food, sending me texts and Facebook messages of well wishes and prayers.

While we were being discharged, Liam’s final labwork came back confirming that it was not RSV, not Pertussis and most likely pneumonia. They also told me pneumonia is normally caught at the second x-ray, so not to be confused or upset that his first one was clear. My nurses were wonderful those 2 1/2 days, they were very attentive to Liam and I, making sure I took care of myself and reminded me to eat and drink and get sleep when I could. On that last day, little man was so feisty, he removed half of his nasal cannula (it was turned off, but there just in case he needed it) so they went ahead and unhooked it instead of re-taping it. He ripped out his breathing monitor, so they removed it too. He got the hint and started working on pulling off his IV sock, but unfortunately that stayed in place until discharge, along with the O2 sensor on his toe that he kept trying to wiggle off.

He came home with antibiotics, and a cream to treat a rash from those antibiotics, as well as instructions to use his breathing treatments every 6 hours as needed. I learned the “blow by”, where I point the spray near his mouth, is a LOT less stressful than the mask, which delivers more medicine, but causes him to panic and cry. The RTs (Respiratory Therapists), and Pediatricians agreed the extra dose of medicine is just not worth the cost of panic and confusion.

Last night was amazing, I missed my bed. A fold down chair in a hospital with nurses and RT’s coming and going, monitors beeping, and lights shining through the curtain is just no match to a Sleep Number bed in a dark room with no noises. Liam’s soft snores were comforting last night, I could hear the constant reminder that he was breathing rhythmically and easily. Liam went from waking every 3 hours to nurse at the hospital, to sleeping 9 long glorious hours at once. It was the little things that I enjoyed the most when we got home. Being able to hold my baby without cords and tubes. Of course having all 5 of my babies together. Being able to nurse my baby any where I wanted, and not be tied to a chair next to his bed. Coffee prepared the way I like it, when I want it, and as much as I want. And most of all knowing how having us home helps ease the worry and stress my kids and husband were going through, not being able to see Liam’s progress, like I was.

No Comments | In: People, Places & Things | tags: Health, Liam, Updates. | #

While I was pregnant with Liam, I head a lot of women talking about using TENS Units for pregnancy back pain, and labor pains, like this LG-TEC Dual Combo TENS Unit and Muscle Stimulator. I had no idea what a TENS unit was, and today I just happened across an online customer blog that explained that a TENS unit, short for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation, is a small portable electrical unit that sends mild electrical currents through the body to the pain source and disrupt the pain signal and possibly release endorphins (the body’s natural “feel good” hormone). The blog goes on to say that EMS (Electronic Muscle Stimulators) can be a useful tool for increasing blood circulation, muscle tension, increasing range of motion, interrupt muscle spasms, and help chronic headache sufferers. For more information you can Visit LGMedSupply Online. I also want to stress that a TENS unit should ONLY be used under close medical supervision, and with a prescription.

And of course, I would like to add this disclaimer: The information included on this site is for educational purposes only. It is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. The reader should always consult his or her healthcare provider to determine the appropriateness of the information for their own situation or if they have any questions regarding a medical condition or treatment plan and all that other jazz.

No Comments | In: A lot about nothing | tags: Health, Sponsored. | #

Writing this on my cell phone at the hospital. The tough day yesterday got worse. At 10pm I gave Liam his albuterol and he was fussy and sweaty, then I noticed his right eye wander up and back and his left eye off to the side. His face turned blue and his muscle tone turned limp. I called 911 and the fire department responded. His oxygen was low so we had him transported to the ER and they admitted him. He’s stable now, but he is on lots of drugs and oxygen. They have not diagnosed anything, but pneumonia has been suggested. Please keep my sweetie in your prayers, he gave his family quite the scare.

1 Comment | In: People, Places & Things | tags: Health, Liam. | #

My younger 3 kids have been sick lately. It started last Monday when Matthew came home from kindergarten and just looked tired. He went and climbed into his bed and fell asleep, taking a 3 hour nap. Tuesday-Thursday I kept him home from school with a pretty loud, wet cough. Then Sophie was the next to come down with it, earlier this week she threw up a couple times. Then I mentioned her 104 fever and sudden arm and leg spasms in an earlier blog post. She’s still feverish, but when I control the fever, she acts better. A few days ago, Liam, my 3 month old, started coughing a little bit. I watched him closely, but he seemed to be on the mend.

Well, today Liam just seemed *off*, he also looked flushed and felt warm to the touch. I took his temperature (100 by tympanic or ear, 101 rectally). I decided to call his ped after they opened back up from lunch to see if they could maybe squeeze him in with the nurse practitioner before the weekend, as my ped is normally slammed on Fridays because Thursday is her day off. I was in luck and they had an opening at 2:30. The nurse weighed him, 15lbs fully clothed in a cloth diaper, and then his ped came in and checked his breath sounds. She was perplexed because you could hear him wheezing, but his lungs sounded fine. His ears were a little watery, but she wasn’t worried about that. She just didn’t like his lungs though. He started coughing and getting worked up from her checking his ears and was breathing heavier so she listened again, and this time could hear crackling. She said if this was Sophie (I LOVE her, she remembered his siblings names either from checking in his chart before she came in the room, or just from knowing us), she would be fine with just pushing fluids and treating the fever, but because Liam is so young she wanted chest x-rays to rule out pneumonia.

We drove down to the block to the imaging place, and they put him in this mid-evil baby eating contraption called a pigg-o-stat. Basically it is a bicycle seat inside a lazy susan, and then these two clear petals swallow the baby, like a venus fly trap while the baby’s hands are forced above his head. Let me tell you what, if you want to take your baby from sleeping, to screaming bloody murder in 2.3 seconds flat, the pigg-o-stat is the way to go. They like them crying though, it gives them a better picture if the lungs are expanded, however the poor sweet boy was so pooped, he had actually fallen asleep.

(Image courtesy of http://www.pnwx.com/Accessories/PatAsst/Restraints/)

After radiology we headed back to the pediatrician to find out the results of his imaging and she said it wasn’t pneumonia, however she said his lungs looked like those of an asthmatic. His oxygen saturation was 90 and she likes it to be 94 or above so she gave him an albuteral breathing treatment. His ox sat only raised to 92, so she gave him another half a treatment and talked to me about admitting him to the hospital overnight for observation. After the second treatment it went up to 93, he coughed and it went up to 94. She gave me the option of sticking around a bit longer and if he was still doing okay she would send us home with the understanding that if anything changes, I call them… even if it is just my mommy senses tingling.

After she left the room he started doing this fast labored breathing, followed by him holding his breath, and grunting, and then rapid breathing again. This went on for a couple minutes, I almost thought maybe he was just tying to pass gas, but nothing changed so I poked my head out and called for the nurse, who called the doctor in again. She checked his ox-sat and it was still at 94, so she asked me to nurse him and watch him a bit longer. Nursing calmed him, so she called in a scirpt for albuteral and dispatched the home healthcare company to deliver him a nebulizer. Tomorrow morning he will be seen at 8:30am to see how he’s doing.

I did see a funny sign at the coffee shop at the radiology building:

Yes please, can you make mine a double??

1 Comment | In: People, Places & Things | tags: Health, Liam. | #

Writing this while watching Calliou with a puny toddler, her 104 fever dropped down to 100, and her arm/leg spasms calmed by around 3AM last night with the help of Ibuprofin. She’s still got a nasty little cough. I was able to fall asleep at 4. Around 6AM she woke up screaming again and asked to sleep in my bed, which is unusual for her. She has always loved her own bed, even as a baby. At 7:30 I awake to the sound of crying again, but this time from my 6 year old. It took me a moment to register what he was saying, but when he got his words out, my heart sank; I had forgotten to retrieve the tooth he lost and replace it with a dollar.

Through his tears he created fantastic stories of what could have happened. “Maybe she forgot her cat away, and the cat scared her?” “Maybe she is sick?” I offered. That was rejected. Then as if he was not sufficiently traumatized, wailing part two ensues. I guess he was playing with the tooth on the floor and it fell down the vent. Now he was facing another possibility.. not only did the tooth fairy forget him, but now she was never going to come! He decided that maybe if he wrote a not and put it under his pillow, he could get back into her good graces. The note read “I m srrye, I lost my tooth”. Thankfully his brother helped him dig it out. However I still had to figure out what to do. To buy some time to think up a convincing lie decent plan, I sent him off to the shower. Since he has a bunk bed, I put a dollar under a pillow in his top bunk. Silly mama, how dare I assume he didn’t overturn every pillow. He saw through my deception immediately.

We settled on a story that maybe the tooth fairy was just running late, his brother convinced him that maybe a lot of children in china has lost their teeth. After all that, the little turkey wanted me to put his crisp new dollar I picked out just for him, into his checking account. Love that boy!

Next time he loses a tooth, I am insisting he hangs his sister’s “Welcome Tooth Fairy” pillow on his door knob, as a reminder for her not to fly on by.

2 Comments | In: People, Places & Things | tags: Confessions, Health, Lame-o, Matthew, Parenting, Sleep Deprivation, Sophia. | #

I have the oddest children ever. Not only do my youngins like vegetables… but these crazy kids love… the dentist! Seriously. You can stop laughing now, or doubting me, or saying “yeah, right” to yourselves. They seriously do.

The little two started seeing a new dentist this week. Our old insurance didn’t cover any pediatric dentists in the area, so we were all going to a general practice dentist. With the new year, we got a new insurance carrier, and with that a new pediatric dentist. Normally, the dentist, who is also a orthodontist, will only see new patients before they are teenagers, but because my 13 year old needs braces, and because my little two are being seen there, the dentist decided to see Christopher to go over a treatment plan for braces. Christopher could not be happier or more excited to get braces. Obviously he’s not the one paying for them. LOL I wonder if it is a right of passage for middle-schoolers to have metal glued onto their teeth?

Sophia seems to have found her life’s calling. She had so much fun flitting around the open bay of the dentist’s office harassing all the hygienists. She made sure everyone was graced with her presence and tried out every single chair she could find. She tested the air hoses, adjusted the exam lights, and inspected Dr. Andy’s work. They even gave her a small oral mirror so she could do oral exams on her brothers.

As you can see, Matthew’s fangs were in perfect condition this visit.

The only problem is, Sophia has been in the office twice, yet she still has not had a turn at seeing the dentist! Her appointment isn’t until next week. She could not be more excited. I completely understand where she gets it from, it was two years ago, when Matthew was just a little older, that he cried because he was disappointed we had gone to the aquarium instead of the dentist. I can completely understand who she gets her excitement about the dentist from…. but what planet do they come from?

No Comments | In: People, Places & Things | tags: Christopher, Health, Matthew, Silliness, Sophia. | #

I think I have chewed this over enough in my head that I can finally write Liam’s birth story. The only thing I cannot remember, are times near the end, but if I ever get my records, I will come back and update.

I was due with baby #5 on 12/27/10, but given my history of 40+5 – 41 week births, I truly expected to meet my son or daughter in January. Around 33 weeks I was risked out of home birth for blood pressure readings over the 140/90 mark and encouraged to see my homebirth midwife’s favorite OB. At first, I was so angry and hurt I was feeling like I was not important in this busy practice. I would drive 45 minutes, wait 45 minutes, see the nurse for 5 minutes and the OB or CNM for 5 minutes then drive 45 minutes back. My kids were frustrated, I was frustrated and I was just so sad every time my blood pressure was taken and they would tell me how good it was. However I kept reminding myself “it is what it is” and each visit got better and I slowly changed my outlook and my attitude. I told myself that everything has its purpose, and there had to be purpose for this. Maybe this would be my healing hospital birth after my first and second left me feeling like a spectator at a sport where I had lost control and dignity? Maybe I could prove to myself I could have a natural hospital birth?

I diligently wrote up my birth plan. I stated I wanted my baby’s cord to be cut only after it stopped pulsating. I wanted to labor and deliver in the water, after all, this hospital *IS* the only one in my state that allows planned waterbirths. I did not want medication offered to me. I wanted to push in any position I wanted to be in and I didn’t want someone telling me when to push. And most of all I didn’t want pitocin or anything else to augment my labor.

So Christmas came and went without even a braxton hick. I just had to make it through my husband’s birthday the next day so I didn’t “ruin Christmas or my Birthday” as he kept teasing me. My little boy had plans of his own. Around 3pm on December 26th my contractions started coming 5 minutes apart, lasting a little over a minute. They were still pretty mild, so I just went about my routine. After dinner, I needed Bobby to blow up my birth ball so I could rock through them. By the time my kids went to bed, they started picking up and I would have to pause and breathe through them. By 1am on my due date, I decided I needed my doula here to help me through them. They started getting closer together and lasting longer, so around 3am we decided to head up to the hospital since it was an hour away.

I arrived at the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors. My contractions had slowed down a bit so we decided to walk the halls until they picked up a little more. Around 6am they checked me, and I was only 2cm dilated with a baby who was not engaged. We decided I would go home, take a bath and a nap, and come back when labor picked back up. They did think it would be today though. A due Date baby! I was excited because only about 5% of all babies are born on their due dates, and it was my earliest baby yet!

Instead of driving all the way home, we decided to stay in a hotel down the street where I would take my bath, crawl into bed, and sleep. While in the bath I noticed I was losing fluid of some sort, but it appeared to have color in it, so I assumed it was my mucous plug. When I felt more fluid coming out I stood up and called my husband and noticed green water running down my legs in large gushes. Not only had my water broken, but the baby had passed meconium, which could suggest the baby was in distress. 45 minutes after we arrived at our hotel, we were leaving. Talk about a very expensive hour! Bobby and I joked that it looked like I was just a booty call, and he had some sicko pregnancy fetish.

This time when I arrived at the hospital, it was for keeps; they put me into the water birthing suite and hooked me up to monitors for intermittent monitoring. I called my doula back, and when she arrived we started walking the halls. Around noon, they checked me again and I was still unchanged, so I ask her to stretch me if at all possible.

She was able to stretch me to a 4-5cm, but my baby was still really high and not moving down. My contractions were mostly in my back, so my doulas did hip squeezes and we do squats with each contraction to move my baby down. While we were walking the halls, I saw my old midwife, who is there with other clients who had to transfer during labor, and she gave me a big hug and words of encouragement from her mentor; “remember, each centimeter is not created equally”. Around 6pm my contractions were starting to space out, and my baby was still not dropping, so it was suggested that while our doulas were taking a break for dinner, maybe Bobby and I should try nipple stimulation to pick up labor, because the OB wanted to start pitocin. When the doulas returned a half hour later, we asked for a little more time and tried lunges and rebozo.

[My doulas, Diksha & Sarah, using the Rebozo on me to get baby to move into a more favorable position]

We decided the baby was in a funky position and that is why s/he was not moving down and engaging, and without strong contractions to push the baby onto my cervix, l just would not dilate. At 7pm I was checked again and I still had not changed at all since noon, when I was stretched from a 2 to a 4-5.

[Me with my nurse, also named Heather]

My nurse gently suggested that I change rooms, since I could no longer labor or deliver in the birthing tub, because I was getting pitocin, and they were expecting a couple who desired a water birth. I was not about to let someone else lose their chance at a water birth, so we moved. But it was sad to cross another thing off my birth plan. The pitocin drip was placed, and it was a gentle slow process that was monitored closely.

The pit was only turned up every 45-60 minutes by 1ml (out of 30) and only if my contractions were not picking up. I tried to rest between contractions and I was able to nap through some of the early ones, but by the time I reached 6ml, I was done. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I don’t remember what time it was, but I think by that time I had been in labor 36+/- hours, and I was beat. I asked for an epidural and anesthesia was called while they pushed IV fluids. The contractions were in my hips, chest, back, and lower abdomen, and just felt unnatural. My doulas made sure I really wanted this, and let me know it was possible I was closer than I thought, but respected my wishes when I said I was done. They told me how proud they were of me for sticking it out so long. I had some “rock your world” contractions while waiting for my IV bag to empty, they called them double peak I think? I would have one long strong contraction, with a second, shorter one right immediately afterward. My nurse said it suggested a posterior baby, so while waiting on the anesthesiologist we did some exercises to try to rotate the baby. We had to pause the epidural process three times for contractions, but finally it went in and halfway into my 4th contraction, my feet went dead.

The pitocin was turned up while I rested, but the monitor kept losing the baby’s heart beat, and my contractions were not being picked up at all. When we got to 8ml, the OB and nurse noticed the baby’s heart was decelerating with each contraction. They placed an internal contraction monitor in to see if they were happening at the beginning or end of each contraction because I guess one was better than the other. The OB mentioned that I may need a cesarean because my placenta may be showing signs of stress at this point, but they were willing to watch and wait. The pitocin was turned off and my contractions stopped and so did the decels. They turned it back on to about 6ml and watched to see what part of my contractions caused the decels. About 3 contractions later it was determined that they were caused by cord compression and that I could continue to labor. Some of the decels scared Bobby though as they dropped down to about 45bpm for a few seconds. I was put on oxygen and they moved me from one side to another. From time to time my legs were moved to open up my hips to encourage baby to drop. Around 7am I was checked and only at about 7cm and a -2 station, but with each contraction I would open to about 9.5 with a thick lip, so she let me try some test pushes to see if I could move through the lip, but baby just would not move down enough and when I stopped pushing, baby would pop right back up. My OB then went off duty and her midwife took over. Finally, shortly before 9am on December 28th, 43 hours into labor and 26 hours after my water broke, the midwife decided we could try pushing again. By this time I could feel my legs and my contractions and I was ready to get my baby out.

NICU was on hand because of the meconium, and my doula and Bobby held my legs since I still didn’t have complete strength back. It took 1 or 2 contractions, with about 4-6 good pushes to get baby’s head out, it was cocked to one side, asynclitic they call it, and baby had a hand up next to its face. With the second contraction I got out baby’s shoulders and then I was told not to push while she cut the cord (it was wrapped around the neck and the abdomen) and she suctioned baby’s mouth and nose. Finally with one last push my baby was born at 9:07am. Before passing baby off to the respiratory therapist, she asked my husband “tell them what you see daddy” and Bobby announced we had a baby boy! This was part of my birth plan. Oh, and I was told when I could push, but no one counted or instructed me how to push, so my birth plan was somewhat followed in that aspect too.

Baby was suctioned and given to Daddy to hold and then handed to me.

I held him and said his name over and over again, “Jackson”, and I nursed him, but then I started shaking so bad that I handed him back to daddy and they did the newborn exam. He was 7lbs 3oz, the same that I was at birth, and 19″ long.

I called my mom to announce his birth and tell her we named him “Jackson Liam”, but got off the phone when my shaking got to be too much. It was around this time I noticed Bobby looking at the baby funny. I thought maybe he was disappointed we had a 4th boy, instead of a 2nd girl, but finally he said “he just does not look like a Jackson to me, he looks like a Liam”, and I had to agree, he DID look like a Liam.

[Liam with my amazing doula Sarah]

[Liam with my incredible doula Diksha]

Liam and I both had fevers, so it was decided that they would take blood samples and allow them to grow for 48 hours to make sure he didn’t have an infection. My water was broken for 26 hours and I declined antibiotics, so I decided not to fight the doctor’s orders. I got my first shower and Bobby brushed my hair for me and we discussed middle names while we were waiting on the Dr. to get back from lunch. We decided on Liam Michael, we liked how it sounded and I have an uncle and cousin and we have a good friend named Michael, and it just fit. After the blood draws, Bobby headed back home to relieve the babysitter and get some rest. Our fevers went down, and Liam got his first bath.

The next afternoon, Bobby brought the kids up to meet their brother, and it was love at first sight. Sophie was a bit standoffish with me, like she had been when dad first came home, but warmed up quick when she saw the baby. They each got to hold him, and then it was time for us to rest. I was released on the 30th, once his 48 hour culture came back negative.

Liam is 12 days old now. He’s doing well. He sleeps great during the day in his swing, our arms, or on our bed. Night is a different story, seems he only wants to sleep in my arms, while nursing, which is counterproductive to me sleeping. I love the age old question “Is he a good baby??” Sometimes I can resist the urge to say “well, he’s not paying for hookers or betting on the ponies, so he can’t be that bad”, usually though something smart slips out. We do seem to have some gas issues, which may be related to tongue-tie that I intend to talk to his pediatrician about this week when I see her. Other than that, he is gorgeous, and we adore him.

Sometimes birth is about letting go, and making compromises. As much as I didn’t want pitocin, or an epidural, even more so I didn’t want a cesarean. I wanted another home water birth, but I can only speculate that I would have been too tired and ended up transferring to the hospital and getting an OB I never met, who didn’t know my history and possibly was not as open minded about about my choices, or desires for a vaginal birth. As difficult as his birth was, it was also a healing birth. I learned that not all OBs are surgery happy, and some are very trusting of the birth process. I learned that having a good nurse and being in a good hospital can make all the difference in the world on what kind of outcome you can expect. And of course, your baby’s birth plan ALWAYS trumps your own birth plan, so expect the unexpected, and learn to roll with the punches and let go of expectations.

I want to mention how much I appreciated the support I received from my amazing husband, my wonderful doulas, my incredible RNs, my awesome OB & midwives, and everyone else who offered support, advice and encouragement. I love you all so much.

7 Comments | In: People, Places & Things, This is how I roll | tags: Announcements, Bobby, Family, Health, Liam, Me, Pregnancy, Sleep Deprivation, Updates. | #