I was due with baby #5 on 12/27/10, but given my history of 40+5 – 41 week births, I truly expected to meet my son or daughter in January. Around 33 weeks I was risked out of home birth for blood pressure readings over the 140/90 mark and encouraged to see my homebirth midwife’s favorite OB. At first, I was so angry and hurt I was feeling like I was not important in this busy practice. I would drive 45 minutes, wait 45 minutes, see the nurse for 5 minutes and the OB or CNM for 5 minutes then drive 45 minutes back. My kids were frustrated, I was frustrated and I was just so sad every time my blood pressure was taken and they would tell me how good it was. However I kept reminding myself “it is what it is” and each visit got better and I slowly changed my outlook and my attitude. I told myself that everything has its purpose, and there had to be purpose for this. Maybe this would be my healing hospital birth after my first and second left me feeling like a spectator at a sport where I had lost control and dignity? Maybe I could prove to myself I could have a natural hospital birth?

I diligently wrote up my birth plan. I stated I wanted my baby’s cord to be cut only after it stopped pulsating. I wanted to labor and deliver in the water, after all, this hospital *IS* the only one in my state that allows planned waterbirths. I did not want medication offered to me. I wanted to push in any position I wanted to be in and I didn’t want someone telling me when to push. And most of all I didn’t want pitocin or anything else to augment my labor.

So Christmas came and went without even a braxton hick. I just had to make it through my husband’s birthday the next day so I didn’t “ruin Christmas or my Birthday” as he kept teasing me. My little boy had plans of his own. Around 3pm on December 26th my contractions started coming 5 minutes apart, lasting a little over a minute. They were still pretty mild, so I just went about my routine. After dinner, I needed Bobby to blow up my birth ball so I could rock through them. By the time my kids went to bed, they started picking up and I would have to pause and breathe through them. By 1am on my due date, I decided I needed my doula here to help me through them. They started getting closer together and lasting longer, so around 3am we decided to head up to the hospital since it was an hour away.

I arrived at the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors. My contractions had slowed down a bit so we decided to walk the halls until they picked up a little more. Around 6am they checked me, and I was only 2cm dilated with a baby who was not engaged. We decided I would go home, take a bath and a nap, and come back when labor picked back up. They did think it would be today though. A due Date baby! I was excited because only about 5% of all babies are born on their due dates, and it was my earliest baby yet!

Instead of driving all the way home, we decided to stay in a hotel down the street where I would take my bath, crawl into bed, and sleep. While in the bath I noticed I was losing fluid of some sort, but it appeared to have color in it, so I assumed it was my mucous plug. When I felt more fluid coming out I stood up and called my husband and noticed green water running down my legs in large gushes. Not only had my water broken, but the baby had passed meconium, which could suggest the baby was in distress. 45 minutes after we arrived at our hotel, we were leaving. Talk about a very expensive hour! Bobby and I joked that it looked like I was just a booty call, and he had some sicko pregnancy fetish.

This time when I arrived at the hospital, it was for keeps; they put me into the water birthing suite and hooked me up to monitors for intermittent monitoring. I called my doula back, and when she arrived we started walking the halls. Around noon, they checked me again and I was still unchanged, so I ask her to stretch me if at all possible.

She was able to stretch me to a 4-5cm, but my baby was still really high and not moving down. My contractions were mostly in my back, so my doulas did hip squeezes and we do squats with each contraction to move my baby down. While we were walking the halls, I saw my old midwife, who is there with other clients who had to transfer during labor, and she gave me a big hug and words of encouragement from her mentor; “remember, each centimeter is not created equally”. Around 6pm my contractions were starting to space out, and my baby was still not dropping, so it was suggested that while our doulas were taking a break for dinner, maybe Bobby and I should try nipple stimulation to pick up labor, because the OB wanted to start pitocin. When the doulas returned a half hour later, we asked for a little more time and tried lunges and rebozo.

[My doulas, Diksha & Sarah, using the Rebozo on me to get baby to move into a more favorable position]

We decided the baby was in a funky position and that is why s/he was not moving down and engaging, and without strong contractions to push the baby onto my cervix, l just would not dilate. At 7pm I was checked again and I still had not changed at all since noon, when I was stretched from a 2 to a 4-5.

[Me with my nurse, also named Heather]

My nurse gently suggested that I change rooms, since I could no longer labor or deliver in the birthing tub, because I was getting pitocin, and they were expecting a couple who desired a water birth. I was not about to let someone else lose their chance at a water birth, so we moved. But it was sad to cross another thing off my birth plan. The pitocin drip was placed, and it was a gentle slow process that was monitored closely.

The pit was only turned up every 45-60 minutes by 1ml (out of 30) and only if my contractions were not picking up. I tried to rest between contractions and I was able to nap through some of the early ones, but by the time I reached 6ml, I was done. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I don’t remember what time it was, but I think by that time I had been in labor 36+/- hours, and I was beat. I asked for an epidural and anesthesia was called while they pushed IV fluids. The contractions were in my hips, chest, back, and lower abdomen, and just felt unnatural. My doulas made sure I really wanted this, and let me know it was possible I was closer than I thought, but respected my wishes when I said I was done. They told me how proud they were of me for sticking it out so long. I had some “rock your world” contractions while waiting for my IV bag to empty, they called them double peak I think? I would have one long strong contraction, with a second, shorter one right immediately afterward. My nurse said it suggested a posterior baby, so while waiting on the anesthesiologist we did some exercises to try to rotate the baby. We had to pause the epidural process three times for contractions, but finally it went in and halfway into my 4th contraction, my feet went dead.

The pitocin was turned up while I rested, but the monitor kept losing the baby’s heart beat, and my contractions were not being picked up at all. When we got to 8ml, the OB and nurse noticed the baby’s heart was decelerating with each contraction. They placed an internal contraction monitor in to see if they were happening at the beginning or end of each contraction because I guess one was better than the other. The OB mentioned that I may need a cesarean because my placenta may be showing signs of stress at this point, but they were willing to watch and wait. The pitocin was turned off and my contractions stopped and so did the decels. They turned it back on to about 6ml and watched to see what part of my contractions caused the decels. About 3 contractions later it was determined that they were caused by cord compression and that I could continue to labor. Some of the decels scared Bobby though as they dropped down to about 45bpm for a few seconds. I was put on oxygen and they moved me from one side to another. From time to time my legs were moved to open up my hips to encourage baby to drop. Around 7am I was checked and only at about 7cm and a -2 station, but with each contraction I would open to about 9.5 with a thick lip, so she let me try some test pushes to see if I could move through the lip, but baby just would not move down enough and when I stopped pushing, baby would pop right back up. My OB then went off duty and her midwife took over. Finally, shortly before 9am on December 28th, 43 hours into labor and 26 hours after my water broke, the midwife decided we could try pushing again. By this time I could feel my legs and my contractions and I was ready to get my baby out.

NICU was on hand because of the meconium, and my doula and Bobby held my legs since I still didn’t have complete strength back. It took 1 or 2 contractions, with about 4-6 good pushes to get baby’s head out, it was cocked to one side, asynclitic they call it, and baby had a hand up next to its face. With the second contraction I got out baby’s shoulders and then I was told not to push while she cut the cord (it was wrapped around the neck and the abdomen) and she suctioned baby’s mouth and nose. Finally with one last push my baby was born at 9:07am. Before passing baby off to the respiratory therapist, she asked my husband “tell them what you see daddy” and Bobby announced we had a baby boy! This was part of my birth plan. Oh, and I was told when I could push, but no one counted or instructed me how to push, so my birth plan was somewhat followed in that aspect too.

Baby was suctioned and given to Daddy to hold and then handed to me.

I held him and said his name over and over again, “Jackson”, and I nursed him, but then I started shaking so bad that I handed him back to daddy and they did the newborn exam. He was 7lbs 3oz, the same that I was at birth, and 19″ long.

I called my mom to announce his birth and tell her we named him “Jackson Liam”, but got off the phone when my shaking got to be too much. It was around this time I noticed Bobby looking at the baby funny. I thought maybe he was disappointed we had a 4th boy, instead of a 2nd girl, but finally he said “he just does not look like a Jackson to me, he looks like a Liam”, and I had to agree, he DID look like a Liam.

[Liam with my amazing doula Sarah]

[Liam with my incredible doula Diksha]

Liam and I both had fevers, so it was decided that they would take blood samples and allow them to grow for 48 hours to make sure he didn’t have an infection. My water was broken for 26 hours and I declined antibiotics, so I decided not to fight the doctor’s orders. I got my first shower and Bobby brushed my hair for me and we discussed middle names while we were waiting on the Dr. to get back from lunch. We decided on Liam Michael, we liked how it sounded and I have an uncle and cousin and we have a good friend named Michael, and it just fit. After the blood draws, Bobby headed back home to relieve the babysitter and get some rest. Our fevers went down, and Liam got his first bath.

The next afternoon, Bobby brought the kids up to meet their brother, and it was love at first sight. Sophie was a bit standoffish with me, like she had been when dad first came home, but warmed up quick when she saw the baby. They each got to hold him, and then it was time for us to rest. I was released on the 30th, once his 48 hour culture came back negative.

Liam is 12 days old now. He’s doing well. He sleeps great during the day in his swing, our arms, or on our bed. Night is a different story, seems he only wants to sleep in my arms, while nursing, which is counterproductive to me sleeping. I love the age old question “Is he a good baby??” Sometimes I can resist the urge to say “well, he’s not paying for hookers or betting on the ponies, so he can’t be that bad”, usually though something smart slips out. We do seem to have some gas issues, which may be related to tongue-tie that I intend to talk to his pediatrician about this week when I see her. Other than that, he is gorgeous, and we adore him.

Sometimes birth is about letting go, and making compromises. As much as I didn’t want pitocin, or an epidural, even more so I didn’t want a cesarean. I wanted another home water birth, but I can only speculate that I would have been too tired and ended up transferring to the hospital and getting an OB I never met, who didn’t know my history and possibly was not as open minded about about my choices, or desires for a vaginal birth. As difficult as his birth was, it was also a healing birth. I learned that not all OBs are surgery happy, and some are very trusting of the birth process. I learned that having a good nurse and being in a good hospital can make all the difference in the world on what kind of outcome you can expect. And of course, your baby’s birth plan ALWAYS trumps your own birth plan, so expect the unexpected, and learn to roll with the punches and let go of expectations.

I want to mention how much I appreciated the support I received from my amazing husband, my wonderful doulas, my incredible RNs, my awesome OB & midwives, and everyone else who offered support, advice and encouragement. I love you all so much.

Liam’s birth was supposed to be my second (and final) homebirth. At 33 weeks, my blood pressure was slightly elevated for a second time in my pregnancy and I was risked out of homebirth for PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension). My midwife ran labs to make sure I wasn’t developing pre-eclampsia, and then consulted with an OB, and together they agreed that for our safety, it would be best if I could deliver at the hospital. My best chance of having a natural birth was at the hospital 26 miles away in a bigger city. I was crushed. I was angry, heartbroken, disappointed, scared, and then I let it go. “It is what it is” I told myself over and over, until eventually I believed it. I accepted this new challenge as a way to heal from my last two hospital births in which I succumbed to a domino effect of interventions that led to me being on my back, numb from an epidural pushing my baby out on command. I told myself my new goal was to have a different experience and I diligently wrote up a birth plan that included no pitocin, no epidural, no back pushing, laboring and delivering in the water and I was determined I would have my homebirth in a hospital.

The rest of my pregnancy had its ups and downs. The OB’s office had me waiting over an hour to be seen my first two appointments, and I was getting frustrated by how little time I spent with a provider, vs. my homebirth midwife where I was greeted at the door, never had to wait beyond a couple minutes *maybe* twice, and each of my visits was an hour long. Accepting that I was still important even though I no longer felt like a priority was difficult, but I had to remind myself my homebirth midwife has a lighter patient load because she chooses to. My blood pressure was never elevated again which was bittersweet. My birth plan was accepted and it was decided I could have a planned hospital waterbirth. Now I just had to wait to have my baby. It seemed everything was lining up perfect and this birth would be my “healing” birth.

Stay tuned for my update of Liam’s birth story.

Anecdotal evidence: I had a doula in my last two deliveries, and I have hired one once again for my upcoming delivery. The role of a doula in a home birth or a hospital birth are both extremely important. My doula in Matthew’s birth was my eyes and ears when I was being told one thing, but the nurse was doing the exact opposite. She helped me find ways to get comfortable. In the end, the Pitocin proved to be more than I could handle, and I opted for an Epidural. It was my doula who helped distract me while I tried to rip my flesh on my face and chest off because I was itching so bad while I waited for another medication to take away the itching. It was the doula who recognized that I was probably complete (by my actions and descriptions, she didn’t examine me).
In my homebirth I was lucky enough to have two doulas; my own doula was helping another doula get her certification and she needed some births under her belt. Both played an amazing role, from keeping spirits high, to helping me move my baby into the correct position, to keeping me hydrated and confident. I really wish I had a doula in my first delivery (I had never even heard of them), because although I had support from my mom and husband, they didn’t like seeing me hurting and didn’t try to talk me out of medication when I started to have a hard time coping. The didn’t know different techniques I could use to get through the contractions, they didn’t know ways to help ease back pain. Remember: Each person wears one hat. You may think your midwife would make an excellent doula, but doulas they are not! Don’t expect your birth team to come in with more than one role!

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The freedom to move, eat, and drink is invaluable! Being stuck in bed, tied to monitors is counterproductive to labor. Along the lines of my last post about declining procedures, finding an OB or Midwife that will allow you the freedom to labor as you need will help make the process a lot more comfortable.
Why this is important to know: In the normal labor process, movement is important. Nurses will typically have you “walk the halls” in early labor, but then as you get farther along will want you to stay in bed for continuous monitoring. Contractions are typically harder to handle if you are stuck on your back unable to sway your hips, bounce on a ball, or listen to your body and baby to find a comfortable position.

Anecdotal evidence: I found laboring with an empty bladder was more comfortable, but waiting for the nurses to unhook my monitors made emptying my bladder a huge hassle, especially if I had to drag around a pole with IV fluids hanging from it. And once an epidural is in place, most providers will place a catheter to keep you from leaving the bed. Once you are laying down, you remove gravity from the equation and you no longer have the option of allowing the baby to move down with the help of movement and gravity. I also have little faith in contraction monitors, I don’t feel their are exactly effective as I have had very productive contractions barely show up on monitors, and even though my body was making progress, these strips were used as a reason to “move things along with the help of some Pitocin” or tell me I just wasn’t making progress when I was. My babies hate the doppler and like to run away from it, so I felt a lot of the time nurses were spending more time chasing the baby or moving the strips and disrupting my concentration. Finally, some women want to eat and drink in labor, I know I loved cool sips of water or gatorade between contractions with my daughter, and ice chips just doesn’t do it for my thirst.

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Don’t forget about dad! Often times dad is overlooked when mom is packing her bags, touring the hospital, or making birth plans.
Why this is important to know: Your partner is your most important support person, and if they don’t keep their strength up, they can’t be as effective as a support person.

Anecdotal evidence: I typically have prodromal labor (early labor that starts and stops for several days or weeks) and this can be exhausting for all. In my first birth, my poor husband hadn’t slept in probably 24 hours before the birth. When he had a chance, he would nap in a hard chair and we never thought to ask if there was a better option. Turns out, two of the chairs turns into beds. We also were not told this when I was in the postpartum room and he ended up leaving the hospital to stay with a friend so he could sleep. We also didn’t think to have clean clothing for him, cash for food, snacks, etc.

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Do your research. This is the most important part of pregnancy, delivery, and parenthood! Don’t have regrets, you don’t get a do-over.
Why this is important to know: Just like you cannot un-ring a bell. Choices you make the first time around can affect the rest of your life. Something as simple as consenting to an induction because you are tired of being pregnant at 3 days overdue can cause a domino effect you cannot predict or stop. One intervention often leads to another and you may be left with an experience that you still regret decades later.

Anecdotal evidence: I have tons of regrets that are so personal to me I won’t go into them, some that didn’t just cause regrets with my first child, but every child after that. However you live and learn, you do your research, and you try to get past regrets knowing you did the very best you knew how.

I have always felt birth should be natural, but it seems like no matter how good my intentions were in the past it seemed that my desire for a hands off birth were out of reach. I hope by sharing some of my mistakes with you, I can help others who may be misguided or unaware.

Not everyone has regular contractions! It seems the books all tell you that the hallmark between real labor vs. false labor is regularity of contractions, but I am here to tell you, that is NOT the rule and there ARE exceptions.
Why this is important to know: Often times caregivers may suggest a drug called Pitocin (more about that later) to regulate contractions, but do your research, sometimes irregular contractions ARE making a difference and moving labor along.

Anecdotal evidence: I have had three deliveries, two in the hospital augmented by Pitocin, one at home without any intervention. In all three labors my contractions were irregular, even after Pitocin was maxed out in the first two pregnancies, despite being told it would regulate them and was necessary to “pick things up”, it only did the later, they still stayed irregular. And guess what, I still managed to give birth all three times!

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If you are told Pitocin won’t make your contractions any more intense, or more difficult to get through… they lie! Pitocin is a synthetic form of oxytocin, the hormone your body naturally creates to stimulate contractions. The decision to use Pitocin is not one to take lightly. I am not saying it is evil, or does not have a place in obstetrics, but it can have some serious consequences.
Why this is important to know: Some of the risks of Pitocin are:
* fetal distress
* more likely to request pain medication like an epidural
* cesarean section
* uterine rupture
Not only does Pitocin cause contractions to be harder to manage, they can also start a domino effect of interventions leading to a cesarean section, or cause unnecessary stress on the mom and baby.

Anecdotal evidence: Watch any birth show on TV and you will see story after story where Pitocin is introduced. Baby’s heart rate starts dropping and mom is rushed off to the O.R., or, the mom is given Pitocin, the pain is too much for mom to handle and she gets an Epidural and then has complications from the Epidural.

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Myth: An Epidural is the only way to make labor comfortable. Epidural anesthesia is the most common method of pain relief in labor. However, sometimes there are serious (and some not so serious) side effects. The most serious being maternal or fetal death, but the more common complaints by women are the inability to move freely, being tied to the monitors, not being allowed to get up to use the restroom, itching, a drop in blood pressure, headaches, nausea and vomiting, shivering or shaking, backache, uneven/incomplete/nonexistent pain relief, feelings of regret. Epidurals can also cause the baby to have changes to their heart tones, cause a poor sucking reflux and lethargy, and leads to a higher rate of cesarean sections.
Why this is important to know: Epidurals have become so routine in hospitals now days, that some women do not know there are alternatives for pain relief, or that they may have regrets later. Several childbirth classes, such as Hypnobabies, Hypnobirthing, Bradley, etc, have very high success rates in helping a mom cope with normal, un-augmented labor. Other methods may be walking, changing position, rocking in a rocking chair, bouncing on a birthing ball, massage, hip compresses, laboring in a hot bath tub or shower, visualization, reassurance, etc.

Anecdotal evidence: I mentioned I had two Epidural deliveries, and one without an Epidural. Between Hypnobabies, a birth pool, my Doula and support, my natural labor was FAR more enjoyable than my medicated deliveries, without any side effects.
Also, did you know that Epidurals can interfere with bonding? In labor, our body produces beta-endorphins to help us cope with the sensations of birth and make the changes easier on our bodies. These beta endorphins cause an amazing surge of euphoria unlike anything I can explain. The feeling is amazing and creates a bonding experience like no other. Not only was my daughter more alert after my natural birth, but afterward *I* was more alert and my husband and I bonded so well with our newest family member.

Stay tuned for Part Two.

You are the boss! Did you know that your caregiver is your employee? They work for you, and if you feel mistreated, unappreciated, or not taken seriously, YOU have the right to fire them and find someone new!
Why this is important to know: Sometimes we forget that we have the power to be treated the way we want to be treated, and will take the abuse of someone in power because we tell ourselves they know best.

Anecdotal evidence: I fired a midwife in Sophie’s pregnancy because she was down right fear-mongering. She told me because I was not at my ideal body weight at the start of pregnancy I WOULD (not could) have gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and likely end up with a cesarean section. The other midwife in the practice told me several times she thought I was going to miscarry because I had some minor bleeding in pregnancy and she thought my hCG (the hormone in pregnancy that increases as the baby grows and is what pregnancy tests test for) was too low (it wasn’t). After my 12 week visit, I followed my gut and I fired the practice and found a new group. With just a few weeks left, when my new midwife wanted to transfer my care to her partner (and OB I did not like), I left their practice too and found a home birth midwife. It is never too late!

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You don’t have to take any test you don’t agree with! Did you know that you have the power to waive any procedure or test? You may have to sign a waiver, but if you don’t agree with the test, decline!
Why this is important to know: There are some tests that can cause unnecessary worry or inaccurate results in pregnancy. I personally will not get a pap smear in pregnancy, even if I am due for one, because I have never had an abnormal pap and there is a higher chance of bleeding, infection, and inaccurate results in pregnancy. I will wait until I am six weeks and have no problem declining the test. I also do not do the 15 week tests that check for birth defects (triple screen, AFP, nuchal fold, etc) because I decided it would not change the outcome of the pregnancy as I would not abort over elevated/irregular results.

Anecdotal evidence: I have known more than one woman who had irregular results and the stress that it created for the woman over a test that ended up being normal in the end was harder on the woman than need be. We have all stressed over test results unnecessarily, but so the research and ask yourself “Do I believe this test has a high accuracy rate?”, “Do I agree with how this test is taken?” (ie Gestational Diabetes, not every lab has the same rules for fasting vs. non fasting, cutoffs, etc), “Would these results change my pregnancy?” (genetic tests are taken early so you can chose to abort or not, if they showed an anomaly, would you abort?) “If this test is positive, would I agree to more invasive tests for higher accuracy?”

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You don’t just have to suck it up and take it when it comes to the symptoms of pregnancy! Almost every symptom of pregnancy can be eased or relieved with supplementation, medical, or alternative therapy.
Why this is important to know: Sometimes we just deal with it because we think we have to. There are remedies for leg cramps, swelling, morning sickness, aches, headaches, etc.

Anecdotal evidence: For morning sickness things to try include eating small, frequent, high protein snacks, wearing sea bands, avoiding fried fatty foods, and wearing Sea-Bands can help ease nausea and vomiting. Heartburn can be helped with papaya enzymes, and liquid calcium/magnesium. Swelling can be eased by swimming in a pool and making sure you are getting a good balance of electrolytes. Back pain can be aided with the help of a chiropractor. Calcium/magnesium before bed can prevent charlie horses. If you talk to your caregiver, friends, family, search the internet, talk to a naturopath, you may find all sort of ways to make your pregnancy more comfortable. Some symptoms can only be eased, but some can be avoided all together!

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You are not alone! Pregnancy is tough, seek out support and friends. There are so many Due Date Clubs, forums, local playgroups, groups, etc.
Why this is important to know: Pregnancy and postpartum can feel socially isolating. When you are too tired with a newborn to shower, or too weak to take your other kids to the park because of an all day marathon of hugging the toilet, there is a lot of guilt that comes with it. Knowing you are not alone can make a world of difference!

Anecdotal evidence: When I had my first son I felt so isolated and alone. I had problems with breastfeeding and I never knew the problems I was experiencing were NOT normal because I didn’t have anyone to compare notes with. By the time I had my 6 week checkup I found we had a case of thrush that lasted FIVE MONTHS and eventually caused us to switch from breastfeeding to bottle feeding.

Stay tuned for my next post where I will discuss Mistakes in Labor.

My husband teases me for my ADD, I still have a cross stitch I made for my son who is 5 now that just needs cleaned and framed, I started it when I was pregnant with him. A blanket I started knitting for my daughter who is 2 1/2 now is only about half done. I just threw out a baby sweater I started when I was pregnant with her and never finished.

So to be this close to completion is HUGE. My husband asked me point blank today “will this be the first project you finished?” and I sheepishly had to reply that it was. Thankfully while I was cleaning out my craft tote filled with half-finished projects, I found the yarn needles I need, so I have no excuse not to finish today. Hopefully in a couple hours I can post a picture of a completed project!

The first 20 weeks flew by, the last two weeks have drug. Can you guess how long he’s been home?

This will not be the case for the remainder of the pregnancy though, I know for sure of three weeks he will be gone coming up. Plus summer is starting to wrap up, school will start next month and all three of my boys are attending. One starting kindergarten, one starting middle school, and one starting high school. At least for a few months, it will just be me and little one until the end of winter break, then it will be me and the little one and the new baby!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him gone, I want the pregnancy to fly by as fast as it has been ALL the time.

The part that bothers me the most about these dreams though is not what is in them, but what isn’t. Despite being almost half way through my pregnancy… I have yet to have a single dream about my baby. I am thankful how active this little one is because I would have a hard time believing there was really a person there. I cannot picture what my life will be like when this little gift arrives. I wish I could just start getting used to the idea in my dreams, so that it would spread into my daydreams.

While Bobby was in Wisconsin, I got a pretty big shock.

See that little line? *Squint* Now do you?

This is my test from April 15th, I followed it up with a blood test which was also positive. I was in total shock. Seems like we were not as careful as we could have been the day before he went to Wisconsin.

Shock has faded, and now I am excited. Bobby is happy too, even though we has decided we were done.

On May 7th, I was able to see my little bean for the first time. His/her heart was flickering away and it was the most beautiful little blob I had seen since Sophia’s first scans.

A couple weeks later I got to see him/her again.

We decided we would have another home birth, and interviewed a couple midwives. I found one I love and had my initial appointment at the end of May. The appointment was pretty uneventful, it included vitals, a ton of paperwork and history, information on prenatal testing, and a ton of routine blood work.

I was so sick this pregnancy, much like my pregnancy with Sophia, except this time it started around 3 weeks, then started easing up around 11 weeks, and now is mostly gone, where with Sophia it eased up a bit, but was never gone. Also, unlike Sophia’s pregnancy, I have been able to eat, so I have gained around 5 lbs already, where with her I lost a bunch of weight, however, I also started this pregnancy about 45 pounds lighter than I did with her pregnancy, and Matthew’s pregnancy (where I also lost some weight in the beginning). This is making me guess we are going to have another little girl, but I have been wrong before.

We also decided we are not going to find out the sex of this baby at 20 weeks, as long as this baby cooperates and decides not to be obvious at my 20 week ultrasound. It was funny, I was kind of playing with the idea thinking it would be fun, when Bobby called me and said “I just thought of something crazy, but what if we don’t find out the gender?” Since then it has been settled and I am feeling a lot more at ease about not knowing and am excitedly buying little yellow and white baby items for the first few weeks. It will be so neat to be able to discover on our own what we are having as a family. With Christopher the midwife told us he was a boy at birth, with Matthew and Sophie I was told by the ultrasound tech.

Yesterday I entered the second trimester, such a relief.

I have an appointment with my primary care provider on Tuesday to discuss my own labs and see if she feels I need a referral for more testing.

Then on Thursday I needed to go back to my GYNs office… my IUD was coming out after only two weeks…my body was rejecting it. Crap, so much for 10 year birth control. She put another one in, but I already feel like it too is being rejected… if that happens I don’t know WHAT we will do since any other method that I tolerate is contraindicated with breastfeeding. Please oh PLEASE let my little copper friend stick around this time!

Also on Friday I asked Bobby to look up his tracking for his books that showed they were out for delivery here in town for the last 3 days. Turns out the books decided to take an unscheduled visit to Tennessee. Last reports say it is back here in the state and will hopefully arrive Monday or Tuesday so Bobby can have them for the classes that started last week.

Trick or treating was fun, I wish I had taken pictures, but the “shop from home” ToT challenge was a success. Matthew wore a Hawaiian shirt, floppy hat, sunglasses and a camera and was the cutest “tourist” ever, he got so much candy. Christopher was Harry Potter, and looked so cute, Austin was a reaper, and Sophie was a little pink bear thanks to a little snowsuit Aunt Angie sent her.

Christopher turned 11 yesterday too, I can’t believe 11 years ago I was a mama for the first time… He was such a good baby, he rarely complained about anything.

Miss Sophie was up until 3am last night, I am so tired!

Once I was at ease with my decision I informed my family, who were very uncomfortable with my decision, however they were able to put their own feelings aside to support me. My mom even decided to fly in during my 40th week of pregnancy in hopes of being here for the birth.

My due date, May 30th, came and went without more than Braxton Hicks. The 31st my mom flew in from Washington. On the 1st, my husband, kids and I packed a large picnic and ate it at a local park. That night at 7 pm I started having contractions 8 minutes apart lasting 3 minutes long and needing to be concentrated through. They continued all through the night slowing around 2 am and stopping at 4 am.

I was frustrated and Bobby and I were both exhausted from lack of sleep, so he took the day off from work to stay home with me (June 2nd). Austin and Christopher were acting wild and we were all tired, so I sent them outside to play on their scooter and bike so they would burn off some energy while Bobby and I tried to recover ours. Shortly after leaving, Christopher came in crying, he had fallen off his scooter and we decided it probably needed x-rayed so my mom and I took him to urgent care to get it looked at, sure enough it was broken and he needed to see the orthopedic specialist the next day to see if it needed a cast.

Tuesday morning, I woke up at 7 am no longer able to ignore the contractions that had been waking me in the night. Before he left for work, Bobby told me I had been groaning all night and he would reach over and feel my stomach and it would be hard. I called my midwife Jan and my doula Candace to let them know I may be in pre-labor. The contractions were stronger than the ones on Sunday, but irregular. I took a nap after lunch and they really started to intensify, to the point where I sent my mom and son off to the Ortho with my insurance card and a note because I did not think I would do well at the appointment.

Around 8 pm, on the 3rd, Jan called me to ask how I was doing because she was getting ready for bed and wanted to know if she should expect a call in the night or not, and after talking we decided she would come over just to check on me since I had canceled our appointment earlier that day. When she checked my progress, she said I was 4-5 cm dilated and 95% effaced and wanted to camp out because she felt this was the real deal.

I went ahead and called Candace and she called Kim, who was going to be my second doula, and they arrived around 10 pm. Once everyone got here, my contractions responded and started getting much stronger; however, they were in my back and required a lot of rubbing and counter pressure. Candace and Kim helped me find different positions to labor in and helped me with stair walking activities to make sure my baby was in a good position.

They also rubbed my back with the contractions and my feet and shoulders between them. Around midnight, the pressure was getting more intense so I asked if I could get in the tub, so Jan checked me again and told me I had not made a lot of progress, but she could probably stretch me to 7cm and I was ok to try laboring in the tub.

Once she stretched me, the contractions started coming a lot faster so the water of the birthing tub was heavenly. My contractions slowed and I was able to rest between them, but when they came on they were extremely intense and in my back. I was trying very hard to remain calm, but inside I was starting to feel panicky. Halfway into each of the rushes, I started grunting and pushing a little, but I still was not feeling the urge to push, I just wanted to vocalize and express the sensations I was feeling.

I remember hearing one of my doulas ask Jan if I was complete, she was in the tub with me, and I heard her say “don’t worry; she will push when she is ready”. Hearing these words gave me hope that I may be near the end. The back labor was like nothing I have ever felt before, I did not have the urge to push, yet my body was pushing the baby down and my support team was telling me to push through the sensations and it would feel better. I was feeling frustrated that I was doing all this work and nothing was happening, and the power I was feeling was very intense. I was roaring like a lion with each surge and clinging to my mom and husband for support. Soon I felt the most amazing thing ever as I could feel her coming down into the birth canal, it felt like I had a bowling ball inside of me and I was feeling so powerful, I pushed again and I heard the midwife exclaim the head was out. The rest of her just seemed to slide out and my baby was here! At 1:43 am on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008 my baby girl Sophia Elanna came into this world with open eyes and a very calm demeanor. She also was born with a nuchal hand (hand born next to her head) and I had a tiny “skid mark” which is a tiny abrasion, but not a single tear. I did not need any sort of repair.

The flood of emotions I was feeling was so intense, from trying to process the physical sensations I had felt, to having my baby there in my arms, to just feeling disbelief that I did it. I felt so powerful and even was able to climb out of the tub and onto my bed with little assistance while still holding my baby who had a very short cord. Not long after getting in bed, I delivered the placenta. This was amazing to me since I did not remember that part of my other deliveries, as they wasted no time in my hospital births and pulled it out almost immediately.

Everyone worked on cleaning up while I got a chance to bond and cuddle with my baby girl. She was so calm and wide eyed, and alert. She just took everything in, lifting her head to look around. Jan then did the newborn exam, her APGAR was 9, and she was 6 lbs 10 oz and 18 7/8th inches long.

When the cord stopped pulsating, and was ready to cut, my midwife asked Bobby if he wanted to do it and he declined, so I was about to cut it, but asked my mom to do it, since she was such a key element to my positive birth experience and I felt if anyone deserved the honor, it was her.

Around 3:30 am I took my shower, it was so wonderful, and by a little after 4 am, I was able to go to bed, however I do not think I slept at all until around 7 am when Bobby took her downstairs for a little while to get some cuddle time. Sophie is such a sweet, calm little baby; she is a cuddle bug and nursing like a champion. She does not really have a fussy time, but she does have times where she is active.

This birth, by far, was my most rewarding. Even though I had epidurals to take care of the physical pain in Christopher and Matthew’s hospital births, that could not take away the mental pain of regrets and dissatisfaction with all the interventions. Being in my own home, in my own comfort zone, with an amazing birth & support team, and the amazing techniques I learned from my Hypnobabies home study courses made the entire experience breathtakingly beautiful. I felt so calm, Zen-like during my birthing time, and I was able to handle each contraction as it came, and let it go when it left, and not think about the next one until it was upon me. My head space stayed clean and I never once felt like I could not handle it anymore and needed drugs. I cannot get over the feeling of accomplishment and pride I feel. I did it!

Special thanks to my doulas Candace (above) and Kim (below) who reminded me of my strength through the entire labor and birth, and who’s tireless hands comforted me through each contraction helping me keep my calm. And of course to my calm and collect midwife, Jan, who brought so much wisdom and experience to my birth, and for making it possible for me to fulfill my dream of a homebirth.

And I just had to include this picture, because it shows how tired my poor family is the morning of the birth.

And of course, thank you to my beautiful mother, who flew in to support me during my birth, even though she was uncomfortable with homebirth. She never once wavered in her unconditional love and support. She never once showed fear, even though she told me later she was scared when Sophie was taking a while to clear the mucous from her throat and we let her work it out without suction.

I have been contracting every 4-8 minutes lasting over a minute for the last 2 hours. I was contracting every 5-15 minutes this morning starting at 7am and these are a LOT harder to focus through. Birth team is on standby and I am going to have Bobby take a walk with me when he gets home from work.

I had to send my mom to the ortho with Christopher to get his arm fixed, by herself, in a strange town, in a minivan (she has never driven a minivan) and the staff there were so nice when I called to explain why I could not make it.

Anyways, send me all the “for petes sake, let this FINALLY be the real thing” easy labor vibes and let’s hope I have a good update soon… mama wants this baby girl out NOW!

Well, I guess they were all slacking because I apparently was not busy enough. Austin and Christopher were bored today, so I told them to go outside and play. Austin took his bike, Chris took his scooter. About 20 minutes later, Christopher comes in crying and holding his left arm. He fell off his scooter and caught himself with his wrist. I sent him to run cold water on it and took a shower, thinking he was just sore. Bobby comes in (more on why he was home in a little bit) and tells me it is pretty swollen so he thinks he should be seen. Ok, so I tell him to call urgent care and make an appointment and my mom and I will take him in.

So we get him to urgent care and he in bouncing off the walls, acting totally fine, putting pressure on his arms, making it look like a wasted trip. We actually tell him to settle down because we are worried they will send us home with ice and Motrin and not x-ray his arm. The PA comes in, she is super sweet, takes his history, notes the small amount of swelling and then sends us downstairs to radiology. Chris seems smitten by the cute x-ray tech, she is a pretty little thing though. A short while later, my mom hears someone say “buckle break, room 5″ in the hallway and my mom asks “are we room 5?” Crap. Sure enough, it was us. Christopher broke his arm. The PA tells us the buckle fracture is one of the most common childhood fractures and that he will need to see an orthopedic doctor, however he may or may not need a cast. He has a splint and a sling right now and it seems to be doing fine. Here is a picture of what a buckle break looks like (this is not Christopher’s x-ray, just one I found on the web).

I am keeping plenty busy, between urgent care today, and ortho tomorrow afternoon. I also see my midwife tomorrow for my 40w4d visit, and HOPEFULLY our last prenatal. Last night I was thinking I was going to be seeing her sooner as I had around 9 hours of strong contractions every 8 minutes lasting 3 minutes in length. Around 4am my body surrendered to exhaustion and that was the end of those. Since then I have been having irregular contractions. Sometimes minutes apart, sometimes hours, mostly in my back. I put the doula and midwife on alert, so I am sure I will get a long restful night of sleep tonight. *sigh* I did get a good nap in this evening hoping to keep well rested in case it started again at dinner time, but nothing significant. My mom leaves in 5 days, please cross your fingers we can get something going before she leaves!