So if you had any effect from post holiday blues, what did you do to shake the funk??

Because he missed Thanksgiving because he was traveling, I made him a complete turkey dinner with all the fixings. We also had a great Christmas and got our very first live tree, and went to a tree farm to get it. Then, for new years, my sisters and I all went to my moms house and had an incredible weekend together. The kids did an ornament exchange and my mom made a huge, wonderful, dinner for the 22 of us. Today, the fun was all over. The kids went back to school. Bobby boarded a plane back to Afghanistan (via Paris and Dubai). Thankfully I was so busy with driving to Seattle, and first of the month errands that reality has not yet set in. I am sure as we transition back into our old routine, that will change and we will all struggle in our own ways, until once again we get back into routine and it will get easy again. Until then, I will continue to hug my kids extra close, and remind them how special and loved they are.

For the last three days, I have been haunted by a dream. Not the events in the dream, but the house in the dream. It is not a house I recognize, it is not even a house I can picture myself in (it appears older, and run down). But for the last several years, I see this same house. Only the back yard, and very specific details. A converted unattached garage at the back left corner of the property, the garage has been converted to a mother in law apartment with access to an alley in the back, and into the yard on the side. It is a small studio with a bathroom, and kitchenette. On the very back of the property is a chain link fence, and a garden that spans the entire back of the property, but is only about 8 feet wide with a small rock path from the garage to the back yard. In front of the garden is another fenced in area, this one not as long, just as wide with a worn out wire fence. Half the yard is flat, then it inclines leading into a walk-out basement. On the main floor of the house there is a large deck, and one more floor above that. The house is blue, or green, and barren of any sort of foliage. I cannot tell what area this house is in, although it has green grass, so we can rule out Texas or Colorado. LOL

The dreams itself vary, and usually don’t stick with me, as much as this house. I have very briefly seen the inside, but it seems that the back yard is the most significant element. The last dream I had involved finding out the mother in law apartment had been broken into, and a mother, father, and toddler were living in there unbeknownst to us. We ended up finding out they were legal immigrants who could not make ends meet and had recently lost their home. We agreed to let them stay and furnished the home with stuff we had in the house, allowing them to stay rent free and feeding them meals, in exchange for help around the house in the evenings. I babysat the little boy for a few hours while they worked to get some money saved to get a place of their own. This part of the dream seemed sort of injected into a dream that focused mainly on the back yard. I just wish I knew what it meant.

So earlier today (or call it yesterday if you want to keep it real) my little three decided that if they all behaved equally naughty, mom would allow it with retribution, because of safety in numbers, right? *insert melting brain here*

It felt like a country western song. Mom wanted to sleep, the phone was ringing, the baby was whining for breast milk, the 6 year old was wanting to tattle, and the 2 year old wanted a “poopy prize”. I thought everything was settled back into place, and I was going to try to get a few more minutes of sleep, when the baby boy decided he was fat, full, and flippin’ jubilant! There goes my lazy Saturday.

I should have known it was going to be one of those days, everyone was crying and fighting. It took me a full hour to get a sip of my then cold coffee. By lunchtime I was DONE. I put the sleeping baby, and the 2 year old down for naps. The 6 year old was soon sent to nap too after he demonstrated his own fatigue. However, no one napped! All three were exhausted, but no one napped. By around 3pm, I was in tears.

Of course, as soon as I had sufficiently filled my bladder with iced coffee, and was about ready to start dinner, not only did the baby, but also the 2 year old fell asleep. Thankfully the 14 year old walked in from playing to get a drink, and I asked him to hold the (now crying) baby so I could make Fra Diavolo Sauce With Farfalle Pasta, and broccoli. I changed it up a bit, I used fresh tomatoes and added some white wine. I also used only shrimp (doubled), cooked it longer, and served over farfalle (bow tie pasta) instead of linguini. I thought it might be too spicy, so I made some Cabernet Marinara with Herbs for the little ones, but offered them both. I think they favored the spicy shrimp sauce. I had to giggle a bit because they started fighting over who could have the last of the broccoli, they all decided they had not had enough, and Austin rushed in to make sure everyone got two more pieces.

We made a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies, and at them hot, with cold glasses of milk. We were all sleepy, and I decided after everyone was in bed, that I would slip into a hot bath and then go to bed early myself….. but first let me just fix this spam problem real quick. Real quick. Famous last words.

At 10:19 PM, my darling husband gets on Skype. I tell him “Don’t laugh, but I have such a headache. And it is all from reading confusing stuff.” He reassures me he is not laughing. “Owie, hurty head. .htaccess is so confusing.” He tells me he doesn’t know what .htaccess is (I didn’t either until today. I explain what it is, what it does, and what I am using it for. I will not quote what I said because it consists of several F bombs, and other colorful expletives… and I would like to remain classy.

I tell him “Half my face is limp. I must have stroked out somewhere between .htaccess ssh and ftp”. My darling husband says “I want to see”, and starts a video conference. *sigh* At 10:44, about the time I told him my brain was made of pudding, and drool was dripping out of my half-limp stroked out face, the butt tells me “I have worse problems btw. I can not find my hair brush.”

While his hair WAS quite poofy, by this time I was ready to hang myself by my shoe laces. I had no less than 15 tutorials open, terminal, my ftp, a glass of wine and my sanity was long gone. Four minutes later, he proclaims all is right in the world, he has found his hair brush. Well lah dee freakin’ dah! He then asked me if that was my soul he saw leaking out of my eyes. Well yes it is.

At 11:36, he tells me he has to go to work. And I tell him I have to bash my skull in with a baseball bat. A little after 12:10am, I figure out the problem. The file I was looking for could EASILY be created by opening a simple word processor, uploading it to my ftp (server), renaming it, and then editing it with the script I wanted, and voila, spammer would be 404ed. I have no idea if my 2-3 hours worked, but I guess I will find out soon enough when my spam folders keep filling up. AHHHH, what a nightmare!

So now that it is 2am, I can finally climb into bed, and in 4 hours I can start this all over again. Sleep deprived and crabby. As soon as I finish knitting this last row real quick.

I song I have googled numerous times to find the name of played, Regina Spektor – Fidelity, but when the only lyrics you know is “and it breaks my heart” and “break my fall”, you don’t get very far. Same with Citizen Cope – Let The Drummer Kick, a song I thought was called “The Drama Kid” and could not understand why I could never find it via Google. Another song that I loved, and had to lyric search for a while back was Modest Mouse – Float On. Mad World – Gary Jules came on, a song that Bobby and I both love, but got a kick out of when they used it in a commercial for Gears of War 2, a game Bobby plays.

While I was ironing Bobby’s shirts, and a funny thing happens to clean shirts when you apply hot steam. The scent of the person who wears them comes out and I found myself not just missing my husband today, but really missing him. I miss him every hour of every day, but thankfully I only get that hole in my heart deep loneliness every once in a while. The song that came on just then was Geto Boys – Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta, a song I have not heard since middle school, and there I was, ironing, missing my husband, kicking it Gangsta style. I got a good chuckle and it lifted my spirits. Another throw back from a little further back in ’88 was Pixies – Where Is My Mind.

The Postal Service – Such Great Heights played, which I love, and put on my Facebook about 6 months back, along with the Iron & Wine- Such Great Heights version because I had never realized that The Postal Service song was the same as the Iron & Wine version.

The kids and I had a great sweaty dance to Michael Franti & Spearhead – Say Hey (I Love You) and OutKast – Hey Ya!, two songs the kids have always loved. And several songs that Bobby used to sing by The White Stripes, OK Go, The Killers, and Cage The Elephant – Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked, a song he was singing along with on the radio that I had never heard, which is unusual for us, usually I am the one to discover new artists. Of course there were a lot of other songs mixed in, these were just the main ones that really spoke to me, were songs I had been searching for in the past, or played when I needed them the most. However the Over the Rainbow song, by Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwoʻole came on twice; this is a song I can no longer listen to because it reminds me of a schoolmate’s tragic loss.

So I am not sure what all these songs and artists have in common, Pandora claims that it because I like “repetitive melodic phrasing” and “mild rhythmic syncopation”, so I guess we will go with that. Whatever the reason, they complimented each other nicely, and made for a very happy day.

I think as parents we all have irrational fears about our children. With my first baby I remember him sleeping past his normal 3am feeding time and waking up at 4am with engorged breasts and sobbing that my baby must have passed in his sleep. Rationally I knew he would eventually sleep through the night, irrationally I just knew SIDS must have claimed him. My husband was in boot camp and when he called the Sunday after that instant I burst into tears when I told him our boy was sleeping through the night. He also probably got an emotional letter in the mail as well.

Then my oldest son came into our life and I was always scared his birth mom was going to come steal him away. I knew her better than that, and I trusted her, but I was always so scared that I would pick him up from school and they would explain to me that he had already been picked up by the non-custodial parent.

Then my third baby came along, and I found something else to be irrational about. I wish I could remember, but he made it out of infancy unscathed. Our fourth baby, our first and only girl was born, and she scared me so bad that I would not allow my husband to get a vasectomy until she made it safely to her second birthday, ergo the reason we got our fifth and final child.

Today I was researching pediatric pulmonologists, allergists, and pediatric neurologists. EEGs, seizures, and breath holding spells (BHS). Logically, I know this was likely an isolated incident. Irrationally I have myself convinced I need to have him looked over by a room full od specialists. I think of unnecessary poking and prodding, tests, and procedures and I just cannot make myself put my little boy through this for something that happened one time.

When I heard my husband’s voice tonight, I realized I was still wearing my brave mask. I was falling apart and not allowing anyone to see it. I have not taken time to allow myself to process the fear; to deal with the feelings, and to let myself admit how scared I was. I can still close my eyes and see the events of Friday night so clearly in my mind. The moment where I realized something was wrong. I wonder if I was as calm when I called the emergency dispatcher as I remember myself sounding. When I remember back to that night, I am on the outside, looking in. I cannot remember a single moment where I was ever that scared before.

I remember moments when my husband was in Iraq, and I heard about a casualty from his unit on the news. The fear I felt when he explained to me a building he was next to exploded and shrapnel was hitting his vehicle and it sounded like hail. I remember when helicopters I thought he was on went down, and then I did not hear from him for 20 days. I still cry at movies where they talk about the war, military casualties, or when bagpipes play “Taps”. But if I have to put this in perspective, the fear I felt that night is 100x worse. I didn’t let myself feel it though. Now that he is over the hurdle, and all he has is a lingering cough as he continues to work the crud out of my lungs, I find myself going back to that moment, and I find myself wanting to fall apart.

So tonight when Bobby called and asked how the kids were and then asked how I was, I started crying. I am a mess. And I feel SO guilty for feeling this way while so many people have dealt with so much worse. My heart goes out to all the parents who have had to face the loss of a child, or a spouse. For those who have children with chronic illnesses or disabilities. For anyone who has had to hear that they, or a loved one has a terminal illness. So tonight, when I allow myself to cry, and to allow myself to process the events of this last week, I will be thinking of everyone else who has also had to put on a brave face while they were falling apart inside.

We had to get out of the line, unwrap all the tape, remove jeans, and then wait for the person in front of us to finish so we could pop back to the postal worker we were with. He weighed us again, 68 lbs, rings up the total, $125, gets to the point where we are supposed to swipe the card, and he realizes his coworker is logged into his computer… we have to go to the terminal 2 windows down. While waiting for him to weigh and put in the address and such again, some guy comes storming in. By his body language, I know he’s not a happy camper. He goes up to the worker in the window next to us and says “Did a woman just mail a package to Thailand with you?” I am assuming something got mailed that shouldn’t have or something.

So he gets up in the guys face and says “Listen *bleep*, you need to watch how you talk to people. You don’t have to be such a *bleep*. You better watch your *bleep* back. Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME [Name on name tag]?? That is somebodies daughter. *beep* *beep* *beep*!” At young woman in line starts yelling “HEY! You need to knock it off! Show some respect!” She looks like she’s about to charge him. She’s all of maybe 100 lbs, but she ended up getting him to leave. Now I don’t know what was said or done, but I did notice she came completely unprepared. Her items had cardboard just wrapped around them, with two ends open and he had to help her make them into boxes by cutting and taping the cardboard. She occupied a lot of his time and was there for the time it took about 3 or 4 patrons to mail their stuff with other postal workers. The line was backing up, and the worker continued to help her prepare her package instead of just telling her to either come back with a box that would hold the contents securely, or get a priority mail box and pay more. There was no way her box would hold for international travel. This is the only post office in our city, so I have had stuff mailed with all four of the gentleman that were working that day, and they were always kind. He took his tongue lashing and never said more than “Calm down sir”.

By the time we left the post office, it was nearly 5pm, we had been there about 90 minutes! We needed to get a power of attorney notarized and the first bank we went to had closed 2 minutes earlier. The next place was open, but Bobby ended up in line 45 minutes before he got to the front of the line for the notary. He said he was not supposed to notarize POAs, but he would make an exception because he waited so long, and refused to charge us for it, even though we are not members. Sounds like Mr. Notary could teach Mr. My-girl-can’t-figure-out-how-the-mail-works-so-I-blow-up-to-defend-her-honor a lesson in manners.

I do hate snow though, especially when I have errands to run. The kids need haircuts and new shoes, I needed pet food, milk and creamer and I could not get out to get any of those. My husband ended up getting the food items, the rest will have to wait. It took him 2 hours to travel 2 miles this morning. I am really hoping tomorrow’s weather will be more kind, we have so many things to do before he leaves for the middle east next week.

Even though he won’t be four weeks old until tomorrow, I wanted to go ahead and update while I had a moment… easier said than done when you have five kids (only the little three are home right now, and the littlest one is napping).

He’s a pretty mellow little guy, but he is also pretty needy, especially at night. He will sleep a couple hours at a time as long as he is in my arms. I am getting more accustom to sleeping with him in my arms, which is something I just do not enjoy.

[Interruption #1, Sophia climbed up on her dresser and dumped all the water from her wipe warmer all over her dresser and floor trying to plug it in. It was unplugged because it is broken.]

His brothers and sister adore him, but his sister is not too sure she likes sharing her spotlight. I know she loves him, but I also think she’s a little resentful that he’s always in arms. I am trying my hardest to make sure she gets extra attention and I am including her in his care by asking her to be my helper.

[Interruption #2, 3 & 4. Sophie is trying to dress herself and is bringing me clothes, shoes, and a diaper. Then she broke the latch off her dress-up chest and wanted me to come fix it.]

Matthew is constantly asking to hold Liam, and usually his timing is bad. I will have just latched him onto the breast and Matt appears out of nowhere and says “Can I hold Liam?”

[Interruption #5, 6, 7, Sophia found a shirt she liked and asked me to button it up, asked me to put a diaper on her that was wet from the wipe warmer water, and when I sent her away for a dry one she brought a pocket that didn't have an insert]

Christopher really does not ask or attempt to hold him anymore.

[Interruption #8, had to empty the potty chair]

Austin loves holding him though and is always asking to hold him, or stealing him out of his swing. I am so impressed with him, he is going to make such a good husband and daddy someday. He does his own laundry, loves to cook, adores babies and is very thoughtful. I figure when he’s 30 I am going to auction him off to the highest bidder.

[Interruption #9, 10 & 11, emptied the potty seat again, broke up a fight between Sophie & Matt over a balloon, and got a hug from Matthew for finding a lost villain for his superhero toys.]

Sophie has to be reminded not to put her feet on Liam’s head, I am not sure WHY she insists on doing this, but it is annoying.

[Interruption #12, drama over panties. Sophie claims she has some, Matthew tells her she doesn't, shouting match ensues.]

[Interruption #13-16, Liam wakes up, on the way to get him I have to rescue Sophie from herself, she has somehow climbed in the back of her diaper storage tower and is stuck. Get the baby up, change his diaper and his clothes. Sophie throws a fit because she insists she needs a wipe. Then throws another fit because I closed my door, not her.]

Liam is a pretty content little guy, he loves to cuddle and watch your face. He’s starting to smile a bit and engage a bit more.

[Interruption #17, baby needs to nurse.]

[Interruption #18 through ??.... had to make lunch one handed for Sophie & Matt, pick up my kitchen, all while holding a fussy boy who wants to nurse again.]

#!&% it, I give up. Yup, I see exactly why the last 4 weeks have flown by.

FYI: this took me 90 minutes to write.

Our trip to the zoo was horrid, traffic was a nightmare and when we got down there, there was no parking within miles of the zoo, reason being there was some festival down there. So we scrapped our plans and hit the mall instead to browse in the Apple Store. This evolved into a maternity shopping spree, two new bears from Build a Bear, and tons of window shopping. We also took the kids to Cabela’s for the first time when we got into town. As disappointed as I was that we had to skip the zoo, we ended up having a ton of fun yesterday and now know when we go back to the zoo next time, to get there when it opens and to go on a week day.

This morning I wake up to the smoke detectors going off, all 8 of them, out of sync. The 12 yr old decided to turn his bagel into a piece of charcoal. So I get up, life goes on, right? Call the bank for an issue, 24 minutes on hold I give up, decide the issue is not worth it. Hubby and I make a wonderful breakfast, go to watch some shows on the DVR, and the Medium I have been wanting to see stopped recording 20 minutes into it.

Ok, well then I will just hook up my Wii and play my new game, Wii Active. Find the new cord I ordered (red/blue/green, new TV only has one input for red/white/yellow). I get the cord plugged in and Wii working (unsuccessfully at first, no sound) to find that we already had the cord I just ordered and waiting a week for an overpaid on shipping for, it must have come with one of the aftermarket accessory packs. Oh well, no use crying over spilled milk. Put Wii Active in and my console tells me I need to update! ARG! I have a temper tantrum and get over it. I go to plug in my aftermarket Wiichargable (sorry, couldn’t help it) battery pack for my WiiFit board- no dice, the light won’t come on. The 13 yr old brings me batteries, no dice. I get new batteries and finally it works.

So I set up the game, strap on the leg holster for the nunchuck and immediately it finds the ONLY workout I hate, running in place. As I am running, the leg holster starts slipping off, I tighten it, and I can feel a shooting pain down my leg as it constricts my blood flow and I feel like I have a bad case of sciatica. I finish my “run” just to have the very next exercise require the same torture device. Oh well, I will just play another game, I have 3 or 4 of them.

I put in WiiFit plus, load my profile, and I get the message “To start, please step off me and press A”… ok, I am not stepping on you, but ok… press A it recalculates and says the same message again. Turn the board on and off and same message. So I find a forum talking about how to fix it, make it through all the steps just to have the controller die. Get a new controller, it too is dead, in fact all five of them are dead. I guess the universe wants me to give up and be slovenly; I will try again in a few hours of them on the charger.

With facebook not working right, I really should be using this time more productively… I mean I do have a house to pre-pack, and hundreds of pounds of stuff I don’t plan on moving gone through and tossed or donated. I have boxes to fill up to save money on packing. I have beef stew to start, a fridge and freezer to clean, not to mention an entire house to clean. I would really like to be out of here in a week, but is that realistic?

Alright, I need to wrap this up to get back to stressing, err working. This will be behind us soon, we will be settled and happy and it will all be a distant memory. We have moved before, and we survived, and we will move again, there is no doubt.

Of course all this would be easier if my teenager hadn’t lost my keys while I was out…. that is just my luck, huh?

So the last month has been a whirlwind of emotion. You know the feeling of standing on a rug, then at the last minute having it yanked right out from underneath you? Well, that was my December. For the last 11 months, we have been looking for houses in North Virginia… just to find out that we may be going elsewhere. No big deal, except for… we have no clue where we are going. We won’t know for another week… but we have to be there in a month. Yes, a MONTH. Simply put, I am a freaking, freak-out, McFreakerson, mess.

We have also had a ton of health surprises with our little princess. She “failed” her 18 month well-baby checkup so to speak. She got the label of failure to thrive because she is growing too slow. This has earned her a couple referrals to specialists, a long list of lab tests, xrays, and a visit for her strange way of walking yielded a referral to a cardiologist for a heart murmur. On the bright side, December brought me a baby who can FINALLY walk. I had decided when she turned 16 months old that she would crawl off to college; and the tender age of 18 months and one week, she joined the upright world. She took off running, never looking back.

2010 will bring good things to anyone who looks for it. The second month of 2010 will bring home Bobby from Iraq, and new adventures in a new city and state. Thankfully, January should fly by since I will have just 3 weeks to find a place to live, interview and hire moving companies, research schools and neighborhoods in a new location, and all the other little bits and pieces. I am looking forward to the last month of his deployment not dragging, like the 9th month of pregnancy always does. I am really hoping I can keep busy enough that it will seem like no time before he’s home.

My neighbor down the street is a Vietnam vet, so once I had the kids home I walked over to apologize for all the traffic since he is the unofficial neighborhood watch. He’s a pretty cool guy who is retired and sort of looks out for everyone, especially those who are single moms or young. He adores my kids and is always praising how smart and well mannered they are. His wife is super sweet too and they are on my short list of neighbors I love (which is a pretty long list actually). I must have been putting off some strange vibe today because he seemed to think I was dressed up for something. I laughed a little because I think the “fanciest” thing I did was brush my hair and put on my necklace. It is a diamond and white gold journey pendant that Bobby got me and did not know it until I told him. How that equates to looking fancy is beyond me… but I wonder if he would have thought I had a hot date or something had I bothered to actually put makeup on or something.

PS. Today was day 5 sans the NFH (neighbors from hell) and I have to say, it has been the quietest 5 days in a year; even with all the construction I have had going on here lately.

PPS. I got tired of Bobby complaining how out of date my ‘Cast of Characters’ section is and updated the photos and bios a bit.

PSPS. Isis had her Great Dane reunion on Sunday. I hope to get pictures up soon, possibly when I have 4 extra hours in the day.

First of all, the NFH’s have still been quiet. The SUV that took all but one of them away last week, returned today, so we will see if the peace lasts.

Also, the Great Dane behind me has been quiet too, it has been wonderful.

We are replacing our back fence, which is right next to the fence of the neighbors behind me. When mine came down, we realized that our two crappy fences were being held together by the gravity of each other, and her Ivy vines. So after they propped their fence up, I decided it was time to pay them a visit to offer to share a fence if they paid the couple hundred dollars to remove their fence by my guys. They agreed that our plan would benefit us both mutually, and it looks like at least the portion we share will be going down Monday.

They are such sweet people. A retired couple and he plays in the band. They explained to me that the Great Dane was driving them nuts too, and they talked to the owners and lent them a bark collar that ran out of batteries some time that second night. On the third night, the new family was moved in enough to stay at the house and bring the dog in. I have not heard a peep from him since, so I am pretty sure he was just lonely.

Days like the last few make me really like my neighborhood.