I guess it is a good thing, and I should be happy people are looking at the house next door, especially since the only ad I can find for this property is one tiny listing buried on Craig’s List.

So boys and girls, get out your notebook and be prepared for a test at the end of my lesson.

My city has laws that say that your vehicle cannot be within four feet of the entrance to someone’s driveway, otherwise they can be ticketed, or towed; however us living on top of each other in the land of track homes, they have an unwritten rule that in our area they just can’t block them, and you know what? I am fine with that. I also take no issue with people parking in front of my house, I don’t claim the public street. What I DO take issue with is when people block my driveway, especially when I am trying to leave my house. It gets a bit old tracking down people to get them to move their cars and my deductible is too high to just say “oops! My car must have slipped out of gear, gone down my driveway, and smashed into your car…. too bad you were parked there”, although I can’t say I have not been tempted.

We keep one car in the driveway, and my minivan and a piece of shi… err, classic car, in the garage. Yet I don’t know how many times I have come outside to see someone’s car blocking the entire tail end of his car, which I drive about once a week to keep the battery charged and the fluid moving through it. It is a 2003 Honda Civic with perfect paint and a straight body, so it is not like it looks abandon or anything. There is also only about 2-3 feet between my driveway, and the neighbors, so unless you drive a motorcycle, you are going to block someone’s driveway… one might think the smart thing to do would to be to block the *empty* house you are coming to look at, and not the car occupied one.

The empty house, also has an equally empty two car driveway, and an empty spot spanning the entire front of the house. On top of that, directly across the street is a house facing east to another street leaving the side of it completely unobstructed by driveways and can easily fit 3 or 4 cars. Common sense would say you could park in one of about 9 different spaces and be close to the rental you are looking at, and not piss off anyone.

So today I realize the storage unit I rented last month for pre-packing is due today, but rather than be able to pay on the phone, or online, I have to go in person to waive the insurance on the storage unit since my homeowners policy covers off-site storage. When I open the garage door, there is a car parked with the bumper of the car right up the edge to the left of my driveway standing next to a truck parked halfway into the middle of my driveway. She is chatting on a cell phone and the driver is sitting in the drivers seat. I buckle up the baby and then walk down to where they are and I say “Excuse me, but do you mind pulling forward so you are not blocking my driveway?” I was nice, and polite and did not have one ounce of attitude and can you believe she SCOWLED and glared at me and mumbled something bitchy to her husband! I wanted to kick her in the neck and tell her that she is too low-rent to be able to afford a house to live in and go back to living in her single-wide, but I was nice and just walked away. When I got back they were both gone, and I can just hope they don’t come back. I can understand why my neighbor has a sign in front of his carport telling people not to block his driveway.

Question 1:
It is okay to block a car in their driveway if they have enough room to back out if they pull the wheel all the way to one side, even if they have to pull forward a few times, or drive on their lawn, to get far enough to get around you.
A) True
B) False
C) Heck no, are you effing stupid??

Question 2:
Are you special and think you have privileges to be a jerk to anyone you please, and they can just deal with it?
A) Yes
B) No
C) We all deserve to be treated with respect

Question 3:
If you are visiting someone or looking at a home to occupy, or you do occupy it, where should you park?
A) Anywhere I feel like, I am allergic to exercise and should not have to cross a street.
B) In front of their home.
C) Anywhere that is free, legal, and not inconveniencing others.

Scoring:
Please use the point system below to add up your answers.
A) -2
B) 0
C) 2

If you scored a 0-6:
Congratulations, you have common sense! You may now officially co-exist with other humans, and know basic parking etiquette. Pat yourself on the back, your IQ is greater than your shoe size.

If you scored -2 or below:
Time to go back to kindergarten so you can learn basic principals like sharing this big giant planet with others. Until you learn some manners, feel free to stick a plastic bag over your head so you are not wasting oxygen that could be used by others. If you don’t like sharing this planet with others, you are free to leave it at any time.

I hope you had a good lesson and that you learned something boys and girls. If any part of this class did not make sense to you, I will be available for private tutoring after class. If you failed this lesson, and refuse to repeat this lesson, there will be plastic bags at the end of the hall and a shuttle bus in the parking lot to take you to Mars where you will be much happier.

The back story to this message is simple: I told the two oldest boys, who share a room, that in 3 days the Realtor was coming and I needed them to clean their room to the level of spotless. They cleaned for a while and then told me it was done. So I told 2nd oldest to vacuum, after about 20 minutes I yelled at him to start the vacuum already and he told me that he was cleaning his room so he could vacuum because they messed it up a bit since they finished cleaning. Odd. Ok, whatever. You told me it was clean, twice… I’ll hold you to it.

So this morning I head down to the crawlspace in their room to find a box to put cookies in to mail to my hubby and I exploded. Thankfully they were at school when this happened, and the baby slept through it… So I decided to clean it myself to teach them what “clean” looks like. Just a quick product review. Kirkland brand lawn bags are AMAZING. They are Costco’s generic brand of Hefty bags and they hold well. I grabbed one of those brooms that you see on TV, the “amazing” ones that are a wedge on one side and bristles on the other, four trash bags, and set to work bagging up everything on the floor except big boxes, and laundry. An hour later… I was almost done, but had to leave for a doctor’s appointment, so I loaded up all the laundry into the back of my van and 3 of the 8 laundry bags and head to my appointment.

Afterward, I ran over to my brand new storage unit and unloaded a total of ELEVEN loads of laundry, 3 bags of toys, garbage & books, a huge basket of books, and 3 tote boxes of toys. I headed back home and put the baby in her highchair for lunch and loaded up the rest of the toys (5 bags) 2 globes, 2 boxes of breakables and then proceeded to spread baking soda all over their room while I vacuumed under dressers, windowsills, cobwebs, and under the bed. My poor Dyson vacuum had to go over their carpet TWICE just to get it clean. Mind you, this is the room that they vacuumed just yesterday. I woke up the baby who had fallen asleep in the highchair while I was working and then took another trip to the storage unit. The oldest boy called to tell me he was sick, so I picked him up and banished him to bed. He explained that while waiting for me, he ate his lunch and started feeling better. I *should* have loaded his butt back into the van and taken him back, but I figured laying in an empty room was punishment enough and would be less fun then playing sick and getting attention at school.

In 10 minutes I have to leave to go get the 2nd oldest from school, he is going to FLIP OUT when he sees his room. I predict whining and tears from him. I will explain that I simply took care of all their trash that they left on the floor and maybe they will be able to keep their room clean if it is empty. If they keep their room clean, they will earn one container back at a time. Too bad they have so much dirty laundry, since that is what they will be earning back first… one basket at a time.

I hope god forgives those who flip others the bird when they deserve it.

Also, the cats. Christopher’s job is to feed the cats and clean the litter boxes daily. Yet if I don’t nag, it does not get done and then they seek out my towels. So now every time I think I have a “clean” towel, I discover it smells like cat urine. Nice. Also, when I am trying to feed Sophia, I have three cats underfoot circling around my ankles because their food bowl is empty.

Bobby called today and I vented, I vented good. I told him how frustrated I was at their total lack of responsibility, how Austin pulled out a progress report while we were walking out the door and asked me to sign it because it was due today and I refused because we would have been late if I had to stop everything and look it over before I sign it. I am just plain sick of it.

So I told my husband how I was half tempted to load up the three cats and two dogs in the van and take them to a kennel for the weekend and board them. How tempted I am to tell the kids that I got rid of the animals because I found them families that would take better care of them. How tempted I am to tell them that if they did not love the animals enough to feed them, water them, and provide them with a clean place to poop and pee that they will go elsewhere.

BUT that would be mean. I am not about to punish my pets, or my four year old because of something my teen & tween did. I am a mean mom, but at the same time I don’t want to teach them that lying and trickery is OK. I struggle with where the line in the sand is sometimes. I struggle daily with trying to be effective without being too mean or too nice. I struggle with making the punishment fit the crime. I struggle with too many chores vs. too little chores. I have very good kids, and I believe I have good kids because my husband and I have always worked together and tried to be consistent, we have always given them responsibility, and we have never spoiled them with toys or candy because they held their breath or stomped their feet at the store.

I think with our family spread out like it is right now we are all feeling the stress and I feel less effective because I don’t have my partner here to back me up. I think he feels helpless because he wants to help and he wants to put his foot up their butts, but from that many thousands of miles away, what can you say? “Just wait, in four months, you are going to be sorry!”? And I think the kids are struggling too, they miss their dad and it is hard to stay motivated when you are sad, I get that. I just wish they would see how overwhelmed I am carrying their load on top of my own. I need to heal this fracture, or I will crumble under the weight of it all.

I don’t think this weekend is going to be a fun one, I can tell you that! Hmmmm, I wonder if I can figure out how to set up the parental controls on the TV??

10:00 PM Wednesday- I try to go to bed early because I am exhausted from lack of sleep. The music has been on for an hour and Sophie is awake because she cannot fall back asleep after being woken up several times by noise. I find the non-emergent number and call the police if it is late enough in the evening to make a noise complaint… they say we do not have a specific time, any time it is loud I can call. I try to sleep but Sophie is so tired and fussy, she normally goes to bed around 7:00 PM. About 45 minutes later I call the police back to tell them that the music has stopped and they can cancel the complaint, the dispatched relays the music has stopped because an officer has already been out and told them to shut the music off.

I got a video today of the dog, just in case it tries to hurt my dogs or anything.
It barks at the littlest provocation, lunges at the fence, etc. I don’t feel comfortable letting my children play in their own back yard when the dog is out. They don’t seem to be bothered by all the barking. The bag of garbage out on the back porch is a nice touch.

See, Austin and Chris, who are almost 13 and 11, have chores. Their main chore is to feed the animals, but they are also required to help me with laundry and dishes. Most days, the most I will ask them to do is start a load before school, and fold it and put it away after school. I also am very strict about sorting (darks, whites, and reds) and I wash everything on cold, except whites. This weekend, with me being busy getting Bobby ready, I asked them to do the laundry, and did not have time to help; so I was planning on catching up this morning.

When I came downstairs, it was utter chaos. Mount washmore was overflowing. The three hampers were packed with a mixture of all colors and stacked up to twice their height… there were no less than 4 baskets with wet or damp clothing, all of which stunk like mildew and cat pee. My dryer was empty, my washer was full of stinky clothes, and all my light colored and white clothes had been bled on by the dark clothes. I easily had 10 loads (and I am talking HE/front loader loads, not top loader loads). I think they were just starting the washer, but then never putting the clothes in the dryer. I also had about a foot of wet clothes piled in front of the washer.

More than an hour later, but less than two hours later I finally had all the clothes sorted, a load in the dryer, another in the washer, and I am having to use double the soap, bac-out & vinegar in each and every load, with bleach in my light towels/rags & my 100% cotton whites. I have washed, 6 loads of laundry already today, and I still have about four left. I tossed all of Austin & Christopher’s dirty clothes back in their room, I was too mad to wash it… but here is the stunning part of it… Bobby has been gone 3 weeks, I wear my jeans twice before I put them in the dirty clothes, but we had 10 loads of clothes to their 1…. so it looks to me like the kids are picking out their own clothes and only washing it.

Needless to say, I was either going to send them to boot camp or shake them up a bit, so I went on strike. I told them they are on their own for everything I did for them in the past. They have to cook their own meals, wash their own dishes, wash their own laundry, etc. If they want to use my stove or my washer or dishes, they need to “pay” for it, not with money, but with “hassle time chores” as my sister calls them. Basically if I have to do your work, you better do something for me. So they got to clean Matthew’s room, tidy the house, hand wash pots & pans, etc.

Tonight for dinner they made themselves baked potatoes and leftover stew, and I ordered a pizza for Matthew and I. I am really hoping that they get how much I do for them soon. I don’t like them being in trouble, but I just cannot carry the weight of doing absolutely everything in this house. I can’t spread myself four ways picking up every crumb they drop, and expect to have time to do the important things like help with homework, take them to the park to play, have family game nights, etc.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I have only about 2 1/2 loads of laundry to start, one of which is my bed sheets, which I am dreading. They smell like Bobby, and I just cannot fathom washing his scent out of our bed. I have not cried about him leaving, but just the idea of washing our sheets makes my eyes well up with tears.

Oh, and as a cherry on top. Both kids have detention this week! Austin for being late to a bunch of classes “due to GI issues”, which sounds hokey to me. And Christopher because he “got a 4 out of 14 on an assignment”, which sounds even hokier to me. I think I have a couple phone calls to make tomorrow.

Austin goes to a charter school, it is an amazing school, it is free, but it comes with a price. The price is that it is a commuter school and most parents must drop off and pick up their kids. I think there is something about this parking lot that turns normal people into complete idiots. The school parking lot is designed very well, I think my 3 year old could figure out how to navigate it, however some parents seem to regress to the wisdom of a newborn babe as soon as they cross the thresh-hold.

The parking lot is laid out simply:
You enter, you pull into bay A or B depending on which one is empty, you pull your car up to the front of the line, you kick your kid out the door and leave.

Simple huh?

Yeah, one would think so but this is what I see on a daily basis:

• Bay A is full, Bay B is empty, and cars are backed up to point C so no one can get into bay B because heaven forbid we let our little prince or princess walk TWO full freaking car lengths more to get to school! Let everyone behind us be late, we MUST wait to get to Bay A!
• Kid sits in the front seat, backpack goes into the trunk, so in order to kick the kid out of the car, we must make a fiasco of kid out, unlock (or pop) trunk, rifle through the crap in the trunk to find book bag, binder, lunch pail, coat, etc. What happened to putting your coat on, your crap inside the backpack and put your junk on your lap or feet so mom or dad can pull up and you can move onto class.
• This is my favorite, I love it when mom makes a HUGE production of sending her baby off to school with multiple hugs and kisses and the line is backing up around the block. I feel like screaming “GET A ROOM!!” I can understand this if little Johnny is going off to kindergarten for the first time. But this is middle school! for shit’s sake people, your kid is TWELVE! You are humiliating your kid into lifetime therapy!
• I love it when cars stop directly in line with the door instead of proceeding down to the end of the line. This prevents about 6 more cars from entering the drop off line and slowing the whole process down.
• Same goes for the people who stop one or two car lengths between the car in front of them. We are not driving at highway speeds here, 15 second rule need not apply. Guess what, at ZERO miles per hour, you can be less than a foot from the car in front of you and STILL be able to stop in time!

I am sure more topics to my class will come up as time goes on. Props will include gestures and words not suitable for young children, so if you wish not to attend, pull into the first available bay (yes B is just as good as A) pull up all the way to the numbered line, kick the kid out of the door with no more than a wave or a “have a good day” and then GET OUT! If you do wish to attend, please arrive between 7:15-7:35, and behave like your IQ is the same number as the temperature is outside. This seminar is complimentary and includes a free birdie, multiple four letter words you may not have ever heard combined before, and if you are lucky I may just get out of my car and smack you upside the head!

Have a nice day!

Last night I had a dream about World of Warcraft, and online multi-player role playing game. I occasionally play, but Bobby spend most of his free time playing. Sometime this is an issue with me, sometimes not because he has always put us first when we need him. The dream though, really brought out my anger and frustration and blew them out of proportion. I woke up feeling abandon, neglected and unloved.

When I heard Matthew playing in the hall, I called him into my bed to cuddle me to make me feel better. Well, being that he is all of three years old, he was not interested in stroking my broken ego. I got maybe 2 minutes of being allowed to hold him before he was off again to conquer bigger and better tasks.

Now that I have had an outlet to vent I am starting to shake the feelings I had in the dream, but some of them are not entirely false, just blown way out of proportion. I look forward to again only having realistic carryover a few times a year, not a few times a month like I do when I am pregnant, they are very frustrating because they feel real, but I know they are not real.

I got super sick on Thursday, had the flu and could not hold anything down most of the weekend. With Bobby’s schedule I took advantage of Bobby not working on President’s Day and went and got my 1hr fasting glucose done, and wouldn’t you know it, with not eating for almost a week I failed it. Crap. So now I have been fighting with myself and my midwife about the 3 hour test which I do not want to take because I DO NOT have Gestational Diabetes. I have been testing my glucose #s at home, and they have always been good. However my midwife will not accept those numbers because it is not from a lab… but would *you* want to take an unreliable test that makes you deathly ill while trying to keep a bored 2 yr old still in a busy lab for 4 hours??? Yeah, sign me up for THAT!

On top of all this is the financial stuff we have been dealing with, like taxes, taxes and more taxes, plus trying to refinance our house before our rates adjust and now me desiring a midwife for a home birth, but not having the funds to even play the fantasy out in my mind because my insurance will not cover it. I babysit full time to bring in some income, but that lately has been leaving me physically and emotionally exhausted, just because of the dynamics of my children plus their friends and the chaos of 5 kids under 11.

On top of this I am trying to sort out my emotions on a personal family issue that did not go as expected, but I am sure went as well as planned by the universe so I am just trying to accept things how they have turned out and let go of any issues I had surrounding it.

Bobby is still not over the flu, the rest of us have had it to varied degrees, but now round two is hitting as now colds are being passed back around (they went around before the flu episode too). I am just thinking of how nice it would be for ONE day this month for everyone to all be healthy for once.

The pregnancy is going well though, no leg or back pains. I had some arm issues from a pinched nerve in my neck that the chiropractor I saw fixed right up, but I still have not regained an appetite or had morning sickness relief. I am under 100 days for my guess date, will be starting HypnoBabies lesson 3 tomorrow, as well as entering the last week of my second trimester, 26 weeks. I am finding myself a lot more emotionally fragile with this pregnancy, and life issues and books and television often sends me into uncontrollable crying fits. I am so looking forward to my birthing time, I just can’t wait to meet this little princess and introduce her to all the princes, they will adore their new little sibling!

To the man in the Suburban: If you plan on disregarding the STOP sign and pulling out in front of me, can you at LEAST have the decency to go the speed limit?? Going 15 under is going to do nothing but piss off the drivers you illegally pulled in front of. I understand that reading a stop sign may be too difficult, but if the speed limit sign says 35, could you please at least match up the number on your odometer that looks the same? I get that you are driving a beater, and it may not go that fast, but WHY on earth were you heading to a road with a 50 MPH speed limit?? You can’t even make it up to 35! However after meeting asshole #2, I guess you are just a mini-hole.

To the MAIN asshole in the green SUV: Your kids go to the same school as mine, which means I see you 2x a day. WHY do you have to act like the world’s biggest (or maybe I should say littlest?) prick? Let me educate you on something… the little yellow lane in the middle of the road is called a turn lane, to allow you to turn onto residential streets. It was NEVER intended to be a passing lane. If a truck stalls and takes up the right lane, and also takes up the middle lane, it is STILL first come first serve on who gets to go first. Since I was there first, that would be ME, not you. You do NOT have the right to zip around me just because the stick up your ass is pinching you and causing you physical pain. A nice head on collision might be a nice refresher on how to drive, but no one deserves to be injured at the hands of your road rage. The 30 seconds you saved by speeding past me is NOT WORTH THE LIVES OF YOU CHILDREN!! And VERY not worth the lives of my own children. Had I been an inpatient prick like you, you would have slammed into the back of my car and I would have sued you for everything you own, including the shirt on your back. Take a pill and calm the fuck down buddy, we ALL have to share the road.

To the police department: Sorry you are so understaffed, overworked, and underpaid, we could have really used the revenue from these assholes to balance the city budget.

My only solace is that DH is taking our oldest to school, so I don’t have to get out of my pajamas. I need whatever comfort I can get so not dragging out the two year old, scraping frost off my windshield to drive him to school is the best thing I could have asked for.

Don’t get me started on the middle son though…. the boy is on my last nerve. I have been wondering how it takes my oldest two boys to get ready to school when the oldest has 1 1/2 – 2 hours to get ready for school, and the middle child has 2 hours to get ready. Yes, they have chores in the morning (make sure the dishwasher is loaded, should have been done after dinner so that is a cinch, get the clothes out of the dryer and start a new load in the wash, pick up your messes, and get yourself showered, dressed, eat breakfast, brush your hair & teeth). NOTHING that should take more than an hour. Apparently my middle son thinks it should take 45 minutes to be dressed up to his underwear. When I finally gave up trying to sleep, and got up because I was sick of hearing him yell through the house, I got up to find he had showered for 15 minutes (no biggie) and then done nothing but stand around in nothing more than his underwear for the next 30 minutes. I am not sure how I can get that boy motivated without breathing down his neck for 2 hours each morning, which just is not feasible with my lack of sleep lately.

On a better and brighter note, I am 12 weeks today! The baby is starting to look more human, and I am *supposed* to start feeling more human soon, but I will just watch and wait to see if my morning sickness gets the hint that it is time to hit the road. I am going to go out on a limb here and say either I am carrying a girl (since I have 2x as much morning sickness than I did my other two pregnancies combined) OR this is another baby boy trying to guarantee he is last baby we have (which was always the plan anyways). Either way, I will be happy, as I truly just want a healthy baby. Don’t tell Matthew this, as he insists this is his “baby sister”, he gets angry anytime I even suggest it could be a baby brother.

Please someone tell my 2 year old that mama REALLY needs him to take a nap today, so she can try to nap herself. This nap strike he is on is about to drive me batty!

She does this EACH and EVERY time she is alone. Be it when I am upstairs in bed, or when we are gone for 15 hours, or 15 minutes. Our solution was to keep her in the back yard with an invisible fence when we left (weather permitting) and it got turned off because she got stuck under the deck and before we could turn it back on she shredded the wires and now I will probably have to pay another couple hundred dollars I don’t have to repair it.

She has done this with homework, with Bobby’s $100 dress shoes (twice), with bills, with books, with toys, you name it. I am getting to the point where I am wanting to get her on an anti-anxiety medication like Prozac or Xanax for dogs. We tried crate training her, but that make her anxiety worse and she would have GI problems resulting in explosive diarrhea.

View of most of the mess.

Ongoing damage she has done to my floor rug.

Brand new yarn I was going to use to make something for the baby. Was white, now yellow with pee.

What was formerly known as my favorite shoes.

Christopher’s book he was reading for school, in part.

Matthew inspecting the damage.

Matthew laughing at the kitten.

I am off to google ideas on how to deal with separation anxiety, I am tired of dealing with all the damage!

All 5 of the young children were healthy, clean, well mannered and the mom, though still being frugal about it, made her purchases with cash, not WIC or a state issued food assistance card. I don’t think the mom had these children because she was too stupid for birth control, they seemed naturally spaced, the youngest child contently nursed from his mother’s breast while being worn in the sling… Oh my, nursing in PUBLIC?? What would the older woman say if she noticed that??

This got me thinking to inappropriate comments I have received, specifically referring to my three sons. I can’t tell you how many times I am asked if I plan on trying for a girl… when did boys become the consultation prize? Did G-d put a child into my womb and say “Sorry, you did not win the prize this time, but take what is behind door number two so you won’t be sent home empty handed”. My usual response is that if we decide to have another it will be to have another baby, not play Russian roulette and only want one specific gender. The most offensive was when I was pregnant, the cashier asked if I knew the gender of the baby (as she is scanning 100% blue clothes, blankets, etc) and when she heard it was another boy she looked at my other two sons and said “Are you guys sad you are having a brother? I mean sisters are so much better, wouldn’t you rather have a sister?” Yeah, because *I* was the one who chose their genders, but come on! My oldest son was hoping for a brother, but my middle son was licking his wounds from being wrong on his guess and at the time was hoping for a sister. Anyways, I digress.

When did society think that the store was an appropriate place to lecture someone about reproduction? Obviously the young mom had read page one of a parenting book if she knew her kids needed to eat. I know people who are not that sophisticated. Also, it is not like this mom was at the drive through window with grubby kids screaming for a soda pop and fried chicken nuggets. If the store was the place to lecture parents on birth control, wouldn’t you think Planned Parenthood would have rented a pagoda at the front of the store? Maybe the wife could look over to her husband and say “honey, can you go pick up paper towels, and while you are on isle 7 get that vasectomy we have been wanting?”

To the woman at the grocery store.. please save your breath, find another medium for your cause. Volunteer at the woman’s shelter, help families in crisis, send an article into the newspaper about the importance of reducing your carbon footprint, or help raise money for a family who has an ailing family member and needs money to pay for cancer treatment. I don’t believe you said what you did out of malice, but it was in bad taste and only served to annoy the mother and other patrons in the store. Cut the mother some slack, her 5 kids were so much better than a lot of families I see with only one child. If you want to see some bad kids, go shop at Walmart, you will be running for the pharmacy section and popping headache medicine faster than you can say “wear a condom”.

To everyone else, think twice before you make “harmless” comments to mothers, our hearts are fragile from countless sleepless nights, an infinite number of kissed boo-boos and “I love you’s”. We have to deal with our children’s tears of disappointment when they don’t get what they want, lose their best friend, break up with their first crush, and get teased by the neighborhood bully.

—————-
Now playing: John Mayer – Dreaming with a Broken Heart
via FoxyTunes

I had today’s blog entry pre-written in my head, I was going to call it “Mommy’s Little Helper: A love story” and gush about my love of Starbucks Venti White Chocolate Mocha, or my lifeblood, and how even after only 4 1/2 hours of sleep I can accomplish so much before 9am and how much I had gotten done already…. then at 8:50am my good day went bad.

So when I look back it was not the best day, but with all the pitfalls I was still able to get the kids off to school without choking them, the car jumped which involved calling the dealership to find out how to override the shift lock and moving a dead car onto the street, still got Austin to school on time at 7:30, got $150 worth of groceries, got a roast & veggies into the slow cooker AND got myself a dentist appointment for today for the tooth I chipped on Saturday… and then with one simple phone call to DH the day changed and my good day turned bad.

Now I am not going to say my husband ruined my day, but that is because he reads my blog… but I think you can read between the lines. I guess the main issue I am having is getting the kids up at 6am just does not seem like early enough for them to get showered, dressed, get their chores done, breakfast eaten, hair & teeth brushed and out the door by 7:20 & 7:30. I am really debating whether or not I need to start getting them up at 5:30 which means either I need to get up at that time also, which is nearly impossible when I don’t get to sleep until after midnight, OR if I can trust them to get up on their own with an alarm clock, and get ready without waking up the whole house. Some mornings I want to duct tape the mouth of my 9 yr old shut because he fills the entire house with nonsense noise… throaty noises like “uh-uh-uh-uh” which serve the ONLY purpose of comforting him and annoying the shit out the other 4 members of the family.

So the car battery was dead this morning, either Austin or Bobby left a light on inside and the car would not start, nor go into neutral without being started. So I called the dealership who told me to look in my manual for how to override the steering lock, which was a delightful discovery that I hope we never have to use again. Backing the car into the driveway did not work, my cables were about 2″ to short, so we gave some lady a heart attack as we pushed it down the driveway thinking that we were going to have the brute strength to push the car uphill into her car and she gave us a friendly little honk while waving at us with a single finger, I was thrilled with her strong level of perception that roads are only made for one car at a time and choosing to get pissed instead of you know, going around and driving on the correct side of the road instead of the middle.

Ok, so whatever… I got the kids’ papers signed as I was trying to run out the door to get Austin to school in time after the whole fiasco. I hate it when teachers come into the house early Monday morning and sneak papers into backpacks instead of giving them to the kids on Friday, it makes Mondays so much more interesting I guess. By this time I am already losing my voice because the kids have been up over an hour and in that time have only managed to shower and dress. The animals are starved, they have not eaten, and the bathroom, the bedroom, and the kitchen looks like a hurricane swept through it. I swear, kids have the anti-midas touch and everything they touch turns to shit. Ok, maybe not that bad turns to dirty, wet, filthy garbage, that is nicer.

So I get Austin to school, I go to Safeway to get a much needed coffee & some milk and ended up with $150 worth of groceries and we will still not have anything to eat. When I got home I browned a roast, cut up potatoes and onion & tossed them all in a slow cooker with baby carrots, garlic, and seasonings and dinner is done. While unloading the rest of my groceries I put a call into the dentist and snag a same day appointment at 4pm to get a filling put in the molar I chipped this weekend when I bit on the barbell of my tongue piercing which keeps rubbing on my tongue and making it swell. I called DH and asked him if he could come home 30 minutes early because there is no way I can get Austin at 3:30, pick up Christopher from home, take them a sitter and be at the dentist’s office at 3:45. Well that was a no-go so I had to call and reschedule at their next available appointment 3 weeks from now… I must be the world biggest baby because after 3 days of this I am ready to just pull the damn tooth myself… but after three weeks I will be wanting to shoot myself, I cannot handle tooth pain!

Ok, so I am frustrated with the dentist and my husband and my child who has already had his third trip into time out for yelling at me, getting into the fridge and for not listening, and the tears are starting to flow. I toss the toddler into the highchair with a yogurt, drink my coffee and try to clean up my mess from making dinner. The trash of course is overflowing because that is my middle son’s chore (that is a rant for another blog entry… I got to clean underwear off my curb because apparently my MDS got lost in his 20 foot walk out to the trash can). I also busy myself with filling my in-sink soap dispenser with the dish soap I bought today because I ran out of the bulk soap 2 weeks ago and have just been using my little bottle. I guess in the two weeks it sat empty it broke because I can push the dispenser down, but it will not come back up… so I just wasted 1/4 a big bottle of Dawn into the empty abyss of brokenness. In the process of trying to fix it I overflow my sink with suds and I learn that we have no clean dishrags to clean up the huge mess with. I turn to grab a paper towel and knock the cutting board off my counter sending the 1/2 an onion I did not use flying through the air. I take another sip of coffee and clean up my mess.

Meanwhile the baby starts complaining that he is still hungry and asks for another yogurt. I offer a banana instead which he gladly accepted and I left the room to come in here and start writing. Next thing I know a yogurt covered baby had escaped from his highchair, abandon the uneaten banana and made his way to my couch leaving a trail of yogurt paw prints all over my kitchen table, cloth dining room chairs, walls, and my couch… as I jump up I knock over my cup and my coffee ends up on my carpet. I am SO ready to crawl back into bed and call it a day… the baby can pick up Austin from school at 3, I’ll leave the car keys on my desk within reach.

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Now playing: Ani DiFranco – 32 Flavors
via FoxyTunes

As I started walking through the kitchen, the smell hit me at once… Comet!

I walk slowly up the steps to catch the baby in the act and in my head I am hearing the sound effects from Jaws, ‘duh-duh, duh-duh’.

I can feel my blood pressure rising with each and every step, and I will share with the class why this is. Below are pictures of what I saw in sequential order:

First step.

Second step.

Top landing.

Top landing leading into the kids’ bathroom.

Hmmm, footprints of the guilty??

Bathroom & rug.

Wet comet.

Hmmm, could Matthew have done this? Does he look guilty and remorseful or what?

Matthew signing “sorry” while saying “sorry mama”.

So I could tell he felt bad, and I did not need to raise my voice, but I did tell him he was naughty and that the comet was a “no, no, no”, I still can’t figure out how he got to the Comet, but my instincts tell me Austin got it out and put it away under his sink instead of in the locked cupboard under the kitchen sink. I gave him the meanest punishment I could, I told him to sit down on his stool in his room while I vacuumed. The vacuum scares him more than anything else, so I shut the door to minimize the sound. Normally he runs and hides when I vacuum, or I do it when he’s sleeping, but today he got to hear it right outside of his bedroom. Five minutes later when I was done cleaning I went back in his room to check on him and he was still right where I left him.

I wish I could say he was better after this ordeal, but he was a pill when we went to go run errands, at lunch time, and at nap time, but he’s sleeping now so I KNOW where he is and as a bonus my house is quiet once again.

Oh, today I was at the post office mailing off a math textbook to a friend and when when they did the standard “anything perishable? Fragile? Hazardous?” I said “only if you consider math hazardous” and he said “I sure do, and I am sure your kids will agree with me!” LOL I love that post office, the one who handles my mail is full of people who are unkind and act like they hate their job. At least at this branch the workers are not afraid to joke, conversate, or be polite. If you have any doubts about what I mean when I say they are rude at my local branch, read this post from April.

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Now playing: Grateful Dead – The Golden Road (To Unlimited Devotion)
via FoxyTunes